They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

Without geometry, life is pointless

Without geometry, life is pointless

Going up?

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I ... Read more

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

No charge for the neutron

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies ... Read more

I'll take that for the road!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Paw Shooter

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Transcending Dental Medication

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Glad Wrap shorts

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

The steaks are too high

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too ... Read more

While at the Supermarket

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.