Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe

The steaks are too high

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too ... Read more

I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you’re a train wreck from all the way over here

I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you’re a train wreck from all the way over here

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

Going up?

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I ... Read more

Paw Shooter

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Are you a beaver? Cause dam!

Are you a beaver? Cause dam!

You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.

You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it

Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left

Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left

Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?

Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Money can’t buy happiness but it sure buys a lot of distractions.

Money can’t buy happiness but it sure buys a lot of distractions.

While at the Supermarket

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

"I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

"I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

Transcending Dental Medication

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Just watched that TLC show where they exploit people.

Just watched that TLC show where they exploit people.

Glad Wrap shorts

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"