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| Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Hero... |
| I will not count on other rebels being as self-sacrificing as I. |
| My loyal, trusted and heavily armed bodyguards will always be on hand. |
| I will always pack as much firepower as I can. |
| I will be courteous to all, whether friend, foe, or neutral. Especially neutral. |
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| Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Sidekick... |
| I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so. |
| I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet. |
| Somone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly. |
| I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body." |
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| The Evil Henchman's Guide... |
| If the heroes give you a chance to surrender or flee, take it. |
| The Evil Overlord will not risk his life to save yours. Why risk yours for his? |
| Don't let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal. |
| The recommended method for checking to see if the Hero is still alive is to shoot him in the head. |
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| Things I Will Do if I Am ever the True Love... |
| I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord. |
| My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks. |
| I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base. |
| I will save my ethical dilemmas for times when I don't have an enemy at gunpoint. |
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| Guidelines for Evil Empresses... |
| Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former. |
| I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me. |
| The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic. |
| I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans. |
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| The Normal Innocent Bystander's Survival Guide... |
| Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy. |
| Do not take the shortcut through the woods. |
| Do not make the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you. |
| Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a policeman. |
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| Tips for the Trusted Lieutenant... |
| When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat. |
| Find out what happened to your predecessor. Learn from it. |
| Always have a scapegoat arranged in order to explain every failure. |
| Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, accept responsibility for failure.. |
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| Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter... |
| Do not fall in love with the Hero. |
| Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land. |
| If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, maim them at least. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent. |
| Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.. |
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| Vows every Starfleet captain should take... |
| I will design my ship's tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired. |
| I will install seatbelts in my space vessels, and have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals. |
| Technology that chronically malfunctions will be removed from my ship. |
| All critical data and software will be backed up in off-line storage. |
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| Tips for the Evil Overlord's Accountant... |
| Keep a set of books listing those activities of the Evil Overlord which would would be a credit to Gandhi. Show these records to anyone who cares to see them. |
| Keep a second set of books that lists the activities in the first set of books, plus those activites that look fishy at a cursory glance, but at closer examination are perfectly within the letter of the law, and maybe bend it a little. Show these books to auditors who aren't fooled by the first set of books, and then only when the Evil Overlord has no choice but to allow examination. Keep them a bit disheveled so that anyone looking at them will think you were caught with your pants down. |
| Do not embezzle from the Evil Overlord, unless you are able to cover the discrepancy by exaggerating the losses incurred by the bumbling of the Evil Overlord's other henchmen, and then only when said henchmen are dead. |
| Do not bother the Evil Overlord with the details of finances; math bores him. Simply remember his net worth at any given moment and be prepared to supply that figure on demand. |
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| Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage... |
| Don't route all power through the Mothership. |
| Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top. |
| Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system. Find a nice secluded cave. |
| If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover. |
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| Tips for evil cult members... |
| Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur. |
| Never invoke anything bigger than your head. |
| Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures. |
| When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles. |
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| Notes on Evil Fortress Construction... |
| Start with a sound building. Broken windows and decrepit construction may be picturesque, but a computerized operation can't tolerate the inevitable dust, bugs, and rain; and besides, they're hell on your heating and cooling bills. |
| Also consider filling unneeded space in your lab with incomprehensible but powerful-looking surplus computer equipment -- superannuated vaxen and the like, bought cheap -- to keep your minions properly cowed. |
| Your computer systems should have uninterruptable power supplies, and your circuitry should use breakers or fuses with the appropriate tolerances. |
| All deathtraps will have only one way in or out. Any way out should lead to an even more cunning and fast-working deathtrap. |
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| Guidelines for Legion of Doom troops... |
| Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it. |
| When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath. |
| Learn how to lead from the rear and command from afar, just like the Evil Overlord does. |
| Make sure that your headgear allows for a useful field of vision. |
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| Notes Regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells... |
| I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord. |
| Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time. |
| While it may be tempting to use an Ultimate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead. |
| I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long-term solution to civil unrest, because (a.) They wear off, or the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will inevitably hate me; and (b.) Outsiders not susceptible to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious, and try to Do Something about my subjects' mindless happiness. |
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of this list was compiled by Jack Butler of GlobalGuardians.com. Some of this list is © 2002 by John VanSickle © 2002 by John VanSickle from http://enphilistor.users4.50megs.com . Permission to quote for non-commerical use is granted, provided that this copyright notice is included. Permission to link from non-commericial Web pages is granted. All other rights reserved. |