| greenpeace free'd the mallocs |
| vi
needs to be upgraded to vii |
| According to Microsoft, it's by design |
| Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell. |
| Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on
it. |
| overflow error in /dev/null |
| Zombie
processess detected, machine is haunted. |
| Trojan
horse ran out of hay |
| Hash
table has woodworm |
| Cache
miss - please take better aim next time |
| Hot
Java has gone cold |
| sticky
bit has come loose |
| crop
circles in the corn shell |
| Daemon
escaped from pentagram |
| Internet shut down due to maintainance |
| Please
state the nature of the technical emergency |
| error:
one bad user found in front of screen |
| Borg
nanites have infested the server |
| Borg
implants are failing |
| Mouse
has out-of-cheese-error |
| Temporal anomaly |
| Firmware update in the coffee machine |
| network down, IP packets delivered via UPS |
| internet is needed to catch the etherbunny |
| stop
bit received |
| operation failed because: there is no message for this error
(#1014) |
| It's
not RFC-822 compliant. |
| Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives! |
| Domain
controler not responding |
| Feature was not beta tested |
| Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem |
| Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM. |
| Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend. |
| We're
out of slots on the server |
| Maintence window broken |
| tachyon emissions overloading the system |
| Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server. |
| Radial
Telemetry Infiltration |
| Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway. |
| Electrical conduits in machine room are melting. |
| The
vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied. |
| Computers under water due to SYN flooding. |
| Route
flapping at the NAP. |
| Bad
cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital. |
| Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking
about why they are unavailable so much. |
| Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer. |
| Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room
speakers. |
| Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees. |
| Sales
staff sold a product we don't offer. |
| We
are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an
undocumented feature. |
| We
are a 100% Microsoft Shop. |
| Data
for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet. |
| T-1's
congested due to porn traffic to the news server. |
| Mail
server hit by UniSpammer. |
| Redundant ACLs. |
| Jupiter is aligned with Mars. |
| Interferance from the Van Allen Belt. |
| It's
union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry. |
| We
already sent around a notice about that. |
| Increased sunspot activity. |
| /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null |
| Bad
user karma. |
| Your
computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight. |
| The
Internet is being scanned for viruses. |
| Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers |
| t's
an ID-10-T error |
| Your
processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's
comet. |
| Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon
systems. |
| Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape. |
| Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over. |
| We've
picked COBOL as the language of choice. |
| Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite. |
| Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine. |
| Budget
cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers. |
| Root
name servers corrupted. |
| Its
the InterNIC's fault. |
| Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine |
| Forced
to support NT servers; sysadmins quit. |
| Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters. |
| Virus
due to computers having unsafe sex. |
| Virus
transmitted from computer to sysadmins. |
| Failure to adjust for daylight savings time. |
| Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult. |
| ATM
cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect |
| parallel processors running perpendicular today |
| Sand
fleas eating the Internet cables |
| Out
of cards on drive D: |
| Plasma
conduit breach |
| Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding
all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor
misguided fools. |
| Your
parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache. |
| YOU
HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error |
| struck
by the Good Times virus |
| I'd
love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the
computer. |
| the
daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons! |
| Boredom in the Kernel. |
| Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c |
| Second-sytem effect. |
| The
cables are not the same length. |
| PEBKAC
(Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair) |
| paradigm shift...without a clutch |
| Stray
Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on
Server. |
| We're
on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose. |
| The
rubber band broke |
| Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are
waiting for them to be topped up. |
| Having
to manually track the satellite. |
| Network failure - call NBC |
| The
ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round
to refill it, care to contribute ? |
| HTTPD
Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power |
| HTTPD
Error 666 : BOFH was here |
| Well
fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack). |
| manager in the cable duct |
| old
inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes |
| the
butane lighter causes the pincushioning |
| the
xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer soltice |
| the
AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference |
| 50%
of the manual is in .pdf readme files |
| A
plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged |
| suboptimal routing experience |
| those
damn racoons! |
| quatnum decoherence |
| Server
depressed, needs Prozak |
| Fiber
optics caused gas main leak |
| The
POP server is out of Coke |
| We
need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer
room. |
| Your
processor does not develop enough heat. |
| Your
packets were eaten by the terminator |
| Your
processor has processed too many intructions. Turn it off emideately,
do not type any commands!! |
| Your
Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do
not turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium
Chip while he isn't working, do you?) |
| Scheduled global CPU outage |
| You've
been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus. |
| Your
computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet. |
| Your
EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS. |
| Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs
off before attempting to log back on. |
| Elves
on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic) |
| The
recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing |
| You
need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus. |
| your
process is not ISO 9000 compliant |
| incompatible bit-registration operators |
| transient bus protocol violation |
| asynchronous inode failure |
| firewall needs cooling |
| CD-ROM
server needs recalibration |
| emissions from GSM-phones |
| CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from
the nearby road |
| IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptable-Power-Supply |
| routing problems on the neural net |
| fractal radiation jamming the backbone |
| microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only
file system |
| appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem |
| Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters |
| The
data on your hard drive is out of balance. |
| Not
enough interrupts |
| Too
many interrupts |
| The
hardware bus needs a new token. |
| The
Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it. |
| PCMCIA
slave driver |
| You
must've hit the wrong anykey. |
| We
ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to
deliver another bottle. |
| Due
to the CDA, we no longer have a root account. |
| The
CPU has shifted, and become decentralized. |
| Interference between the keyboard and the chair. |
| Hard
drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own... |
| Telecommunications is downshifting. |
| Telecommunications is downgrading. |
| Telecommunications is upgrading. |
| Electrons on a bender |
| Lawn
mower blade in your fan need sharpening |
| High
altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated
the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid
damaging it. |
| The
co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server. |
| Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone.
It's not our problem. |
| The
static electricity routing is acting up... |
| The
Dilithium Cyrstals need to be rotated. |
| Your
Flux Capacitor has gone bad. |
| U.S.
Postal Service |
| Bit
rot |
| It
was OK before you touched it. |
| The
cord jumped over and hit the power switch. |
| Netscape has crashed |
| The
kernel license has expired |
| Someone has messed up the kernel pointers |
| Melting hard drives |
| Neutrino overload on the nameserver |
| The
UPS is on strike. |
| All
of the packets are empty. |
| The
mouse escaped. |
| Your
modem doesn't speak English. |
| It's
stuck in the Web. |
| Our
POP server was kidnapped by a weasel. |
| The
Usenet news is out of date |
| We're
upgrading /dev/null |
| Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else
gets printed, he'll be in it too. |
| That's
easy to fix, but I can't be bothered. |
| That
would be because the software doesn't work. |
| You
need to install an RTFM interface. |
| Standing room only on the bus. |
| Interference from lunar radiation |
| We've
run out of licenses |
| Our
ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems |
| Processes running slowly due to weak power supply |
| Program load too heavy for processor to lift. |
| Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't
worry, the next supply will be coming next week. |
| Too
much radiation coming from the soil. |
| Due
to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the
number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none
allowed....) |
| It
must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterdy) (last week) (last
month) |
| The
Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile. |
| Your
cat tried to eat the mouse. |
| The
computer fletely, mouse and all. |
| Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric... |
| _Rosin_ core solder? But... |
| Too
many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20%
are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible! |
| CPU
needs bearings repacked |
| You
did wha... oh _dear_.... |
| Plate
voltage too low on demodulator tube |
| Fanout
dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces |
| The
new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter
yet. |
| Someone is broadcasting pigmy packets and the router dosn't
know how to deal with them. |
| TCP/IP
UDP alarm threshold is set too low. |
| Ionisation from the air-conditioning |
| We
had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill. |
| Lusers
learning curve appears to be fractal |
| wrong
polarity of neutron flow |
| That
function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it
will be featured in the next upgrade. |
| Fatal
error right in front of screen |
| A
star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN. |
| It's
those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things
up. |
| Jan
9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1 |
| The
lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin
with?). |
| I'm
not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book. |
| The
mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know. |
| Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch. |
| Recursivity. Call back if it happens again. |
| The
UPS doesn't have a battery backup. |
| The
MGs ran out of gas. |
| What
office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was
built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow,
are'nt you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core
is buried! |
| High
nuclear activity in your area. |
| Flourescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning
them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends. |
| Change
your language to Finnish. |
| Of
course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade. |
| Lightning strikes. |
| We
didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off. |
| Only
people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a
la Microsoft) |
| Your
mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us. |
| We
are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortuantely,
one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please
bear with us. |
| Police
are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-traficer |
| Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors |
| Just
pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we
should get more lines so we don't have voice lines." |
| Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact
your local dealer. |
| kernel
panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded. |
| RPC_PMAP_FAILURE |
| The
monitor needs another box of pixels. |
| the
curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity. |
| Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor. |
| I'm
sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us. |
| Me
no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors. |
| We
only support a 28000 bps connection. |
| We
only support a 1200 bps connection. |
| Did
you pay the new Support Fee? |
| runaway cat on system. |
| Just
type 'mv * /dev/null'. |
| Proprietary Information. |
| SCSI's
too wide. |
| ..disk
or the processor is on fire. |
| Reformatting Page. Wait... |
| permission denied |
| system
consumed all the paper for paging |
| loop
found in loop in redundant loopback |
| filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch |
| endothermal recalibration |
| Atilla
the Hub |
| ether
leak |
| multicasts on broken packets |
| short
leg on process table |
| sticktion |
| vapors
from evaporating sticky-note adhesives |
| OS
swapped to disk |
| Backbone adjustment |
| Recursive traversal of loopback mount points |
| pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal |
| NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full |
| popper
unable to process jumbo kernel |
| broadcast packets on wrong frequency |
| le0:
no carrier: transceiver cable problem? |
| excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances |
| /pub/lunch |
| Backbone Scoliosis |
| root
rot |
| no
"any" key on keyboard |
| bugs
in the RAID |
| monitor VLF leakage |
| non-redundant fan failure |
| Stubborn processes |
| Defunct processes |
| Incorrect time syncronization |
| Zombie
processes haunting the computer |
| Dumb
terminal |
| You
can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs
man pages) |
| Big
to little endian conversion error |
| My
pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip. |
| Some
one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug. |
| Arcserve crashed the server again. |
| Dew
on the telephone lines. |
| Insert
coin for new game |
| Party-bug in the Aloha protocol. |
| Communications satellite used by the military for star wars. |
| Flat
tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth
of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew
S. Tanenbaum) |
| Too
few computrons available. |
| had
to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads. |
| new
guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus. |
| disks
spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper. |
| LBNC
(luser brain not connected) |
| UBNC
(user brain not connected) |
| BNC
(brain not (user brain not connected) |
| User
was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI. |
| Daemons loose in system. |
| You
put the disk in upside down. |
| because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch |
| It's
not plugged in. |
| SCSI
Chain overterminated |
| telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused |
| new
management |
| The
ring needs another token |
| Power
Company having EMP problems with their reactor |
| Sticky
bits on disk. |
| it
has Intel Inside |
| we
just switched to Sprint. |
| user
to computer ration too low. |
| user
to computer ratio too high. |
| because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can
work on St. Swithin's day. |
| halon
system went off and killed the operators. |
| we
just switched to FDDI. |
| evil
hackers from Serbia. |
| the
router thinks its a printer. |
| the
printer thinks its a router. |
| the
real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa. |
| your
keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes. |
| electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing. |
| Root
nameservers are out of sync |
| The
monitor is plugged into the serial port |
| The
salesman drove over the CPU board. |
| The
rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out |
| The
electricity substation in the car park blew up. |
| The
air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room |
| The
keyboard isn't plugged in |
| The
electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the
ethernet out. |
| UPS
interrupted the server's power |
| backup
tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD |
| operators on strike due to broken coffee machine |
| Power
company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment |
| Collapsed Backbone |
| IRQ
dropout |
| SIMM
crosstalk. |
| The
vendor put the bug there. |
| Small
animal kamikaze attack on power supplies |
| Vendor
no longer supports the product |
| Pentium FDIV bug |
| Internet outage |
| Feature not yet implimented |
| Stale
file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!) |
| Mouse
chewed through power cable |
| Budget
cuts |
| Electromagnetic energy loss |
| Boss'
kid fucked up the machine |
| Password is too complex to decrypt |
| Runt
packets |
| Windows 95 undocumented "feature" |
| Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causeing a kink
in the cable |
| Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER. |
| Yeah,
yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files. |
| Please
excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this
database working. |
| That's
a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would
work as a BSD machine? |
| Look,
buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault. |
| Yes,
yes, its called a desgin limitation |
| Typo
in the code |
| Unoptimized hard drive |
| There
isn't any problem |
| You're
out of memory |
| Daemons did it |
| Satan
did it |
| The
file system is full of it |
| nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable |
| knot
in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked |
| only
available on a need to know basis |
| descramble code needed from software company |
| bit
bucket overflow |
| system
needs to be rebooted |
| CPU
needs recalibration |
| not
properly grounded, please bury computer |
| need
to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem |
| not
approved by the FCC |
| system
has been recalled |
| failed
trials, system needs redesigned |
| high
pressure system failure |
| Groundskeepers stole the root password |
| Electricians made popcorn in the power supply |
| Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture |
| Evil
dogs hypnotized the night shift |
| Little
hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to
be Fedexed from Wyoming |
| Smell
from unhygenic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads |
| Cosmic
ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter |
| Change
in Earth's rotational speed |
| Bogon
emissions |
| bad
ether in the cables |
| Complete Transient Lockout |
| waste
water tank overflowed onto computer |
| virus
attack, luser responsible |
| bank
holiday - system operating credits not recharged |
| boss
forgot system password |
| spaghetti cable cause packet failure |
| interrupt configuration error |
| not
enough memory, go get system upgrade |
| terrorist activities |
| secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS |
| heavy
gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly |
| dynamic software linking table corrupted |
| working as designed |
| (l)user error |
| pizeo-electric interference |
| techtonic stress |
| cellular telephone interference |
| positron router malfunction |
| It
works the way the Wang did, what's the problem |
| CPU
radiator broken |
| radiosity depletion |
| first
Saturday after first full moon in Winter |
| Decreasing electron flux |
| network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon) |
| improperly oriented keyboard |
| monitor resolution too high |
| POSIX
complience problem |
| divide-by-zero error |
| floating point processor overflow |
| excess
surge protection |
| fat
electrons in the lines |
| somebody was calculating pi on the server |
| temporary routing anomoly |
| sounds
like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support |
| we're
waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line |
| dry
joints on cable plug |
| magnetic interferance from money/credit cards |
| hardware stress fractures |
| doppler effect |
| static
buildup |
| poor
power conditioning |
| global
warming |
| static
from plastic slide rules |
| static
from nylon underwear |
| electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris |
| solar
flares |
| >clock
speed |
|
