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Search Results:
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Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Steven Wright
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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Oprah Winfrey
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
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Harry S. Truman
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You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
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Lily Tomlin
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
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Lily Tomlin
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
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Lily Tomlin
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
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Casey Stengel
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There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
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Joan Rivers
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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Paula Poundstone
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
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Emo Philips
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Spike Milligan
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My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
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Dennis Miller
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I rant, therefore I am.
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Groucho Marx
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Groucho Marx
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
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Jay Leno
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
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Fran Lebowitz
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You're only has good as your last haircut.
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Bob Hope
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A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
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W. C. Fields
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
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Albert Einstein
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
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Ellen DeGeneres
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
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Bill Cosby
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
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George Carlin
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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George Burns
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
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Dave Barry
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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Dave Barry
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
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Fred Allen
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
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Woody Allen
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
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Tennessee Williams
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The world is a funny paper read backwards. And that way it isn't so funny.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight Also what's funny is how we do this every night.
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Ian Hay
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Funny-peculiar or funny-ha-ha
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Dr. Seuss
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From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
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Flip Wilson
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Funny is an attitude.
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Harold Ross
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If you can't be funny, be interesting.
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Ken Kesey
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You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.
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Guy
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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
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Jon Kabit-Zinn
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The funny thing about stopping is that as soon as you do it, here you are.
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Ellen DeGeneres
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
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David Ogilvie
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The best ideas come from jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
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W. Somerset Maugham
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It's a funny thing about life if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
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Robert Frost
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It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
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Douglas Noel Adams
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Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does.
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Garrison Keillor
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God writes a lot of comedy the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
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William A. Ward
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Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
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Garrison Keillor
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God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
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Isaac Asimov
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The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
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Isaac Asimov
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The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka' (I found it) but 'That's funny ...'
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Dennis Miller
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We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes Hey, better try the emergency brake
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Jim Cramer
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Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
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Jean Baudrillard
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There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
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Jeff Melvoin
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Talking perceptions, people. Do we really see each other for what we really are, or do we just see what we want to see, the image distorted by our own personal lenses I lost someone today and the funny thing is, I don't even know who she was.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
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Eleanor H. Porter
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It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road
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Ocean's Eleven
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Rusty You look down, they know you're lying and up, they know you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make him laugh. He's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left his side.
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Gilbert Keith Chesterton
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It is not funny that anything else should fall down only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh Because it is a gravely religious matter it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd for only man can be dignified.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, 'Hey, let's put him in the movie.'
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
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Joseph L. Mankiewicz
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Funny business, a woman's career the things you drop on the way up the ladder so you can move faster. You forget you'll need them again when you get back to being a woman. It's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted.
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Barbara Hall
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It's funny, to me, the way people refer to childbirth as a miraculous event. A miracle is something that defies nature. Only, childbirth has got to be the most natural thing in the world. Top three anyway. But, on the other hand, when you think about it, there's really no other word that fits. Sperm. Egg. A coincidental meshing of genetic information that will grow something that could write an opera or cook up some Napalm. It blows my mind.
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Alan Marshall Beck
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A little girl can be sweeter (and badder) oftener than anyone else in the world. She can jitter around, and stomp, and make funny noises that frazzle your nerves, yet just when you open your mouth she stands there demure with that special look in her eyes. A girl is Innocence playing in the mud, Beauty standing on its head, and Motherhood dragging a doll by the foot.
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"Funny noises are not funny." - Bart's Board
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"I've got to be funny, I've got to be funny," Herbert
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"That's funny ho-ho. I want funny ha-ha!" * Animaniacs
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"That's funny `Ho-Ho.' I want funny `Ha-Ha.'"
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If this were funny, it'd be a tagline.
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If this were an actual tagline, it would be funny.
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'That's funny...only sensible people agree with me
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Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
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Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
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It is funny about life: if you refuse to accept anything but the very best you will very often get it.
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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
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"Actin' funny, but I don't know why...'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky.
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Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
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When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
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Life was a funny thing that occured on the way to the grave.
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When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
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The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.
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We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
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"All humor is derived from pain, ergo nothing in Heaven is funny" Twain
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"Eating uranium makes me feel funny", said Orville glowingly.
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"<WHAM!> Stupid TV.. BE MORE FUNNY!!!" - Homer, watching a boring show
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"It's a funny old world, innit?" -Alexi Sayle's Stuff
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"It's always funny when people lose control" - Barry Melrose
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"Sumpin' sounds kinda funny about that plan." - Nunzio
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"Stupid TV.. BE MORE FUNNY!!!" -Homer, watching a boring show
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"We never found the pipe, but Grandpa Louie walked funny after that."
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"'Sophomoric' is the liberal codeword for 'funny.'" - Michael O'Donahue
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"Funny Animalus Buxomus Big Buckus" - aka Dark Cutey
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"I've never found your twisted sense of humor very funny, Chakotay."
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"When you're winning, rigor mortis is funny." -- Trapper to Radar
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"KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE" by Lord Howard Hertz
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"Uranus is built on a funny tilt, and Neptune is its twin."
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Funny how people despise platitudes, when they are usually the truest thing going. A thing has to be pretty true before it gets to be a platitude.
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"Verrrrry funny, Scotty. Now would you beam my clothes down to me?"
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"That is a very funny joke, Charlie." (I told it to you last month.)
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"... What a funny thing to do 'cause I'm feeling very pink." -Floyd
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"They're furry, they're funny! They're Babs and Buster Bunny!"
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"Very funny, Scotty. Now BEAM DOWN MY TOUPEE!!" * Kirk
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"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my pants!" -J.T.Kirk
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"What a funny thing to do 'cause I'm feeling very pink" -Floyd
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"All these med units & I have to pull into a funny farm." - Col.Flagg
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"It's funny how all the guards disappeared so fast." Garibaldi
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Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
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"I have had great difficulty in determining what funny is" - Data
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Handwritten on a condom machine; "This gum tastes funny"
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"He smells funny. Like a wet field mouse." --Delilah
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Life does not cease to be funny when people die; any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
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"O.K. Scotty, real funny. Now beam down my clothes!"
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