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Search Results:
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I have three kids, one of each.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"
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Rodney Dangerfield
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god twins"
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Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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Victor Borge
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Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
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Mark Twain
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Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
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Aristotle
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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
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William James
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Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
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Larry Gelbart
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One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
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Erma Bombeck
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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Harry S Truman
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Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here.
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Groucho Marx
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Humor is reason gone mad.
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Leo C. Rosten
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Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.
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Alexander Pope
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Wit is the lowest form of humor.
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Max Eastman
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Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.
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Ellie Katz
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WARNING Humor may be hazardous to your illness.
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Bertolt Brecht
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Righteous people have no sense of humor.
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Mark Twain
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Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
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Bobby Clarke
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We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor.
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Frank A. Clark
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I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.
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Mohandas Gandhi
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If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
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Jacob August Riis
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The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.
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Max Eastman
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It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
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Francis Bacon
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Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
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Francis Bacon
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Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
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Irvin S. Cobb
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Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.
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Bill Bryson
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He had the sort of face that makes you realize God does have a sense of humor.
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George Saintsbury
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Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that humor excites in those who lack it.
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Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.
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Lin Yutang
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This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.
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Lin Yutang
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This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor to change the character of our thought.
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Mignon McLaughlin
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A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
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Sinclair Lewis
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There are two insults no human being will endure that he has no sense of humor, and that the has never known trouble.
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Dick Clark
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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law
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William Davis
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The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for 5 seconds and think for 10 minutes.
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Peter's Almanac
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It's hard to create humor because of the unfair competition from the real world.
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William Davis
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The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes.
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Thomas W. Higginson
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There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor.
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Agnes Repplier
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Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.
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Bill Cosby
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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
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So I Married an Axe Murderer
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Harriet What do you look for in a woman you date Charlie Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size.
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H. G. Mendelson
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Silence will not betray your thoughts but the expression on your face will. Humor has a hundred faces tragedy only a few.
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Bill Cosby
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You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything --even poverty--you can survive it.
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Freeman John Dyson
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It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be approached without some humor and some bewilderment.
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Henry Ward Beecher
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A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs -- jolted by every pebble in the road.
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Stephen Leacock
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Humor may be defined as the kindly contemplation of the incongruities of life, and the artistic expression thereof.
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Henry Ward Beecher
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A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.
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Betty White
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I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves. I don't care whether it's ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, or whose ox is being gored.
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John Kenneth Galbraith
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Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention. But it has no persuasive value at all.
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John Kenneth Galbraith
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Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it. It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all.
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William Arthur Ward
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A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
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Walter Lippmann
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People who are tremendously concerned about their identification, their individuality, their self-expression, or their sense of humor, always seem to be missing the very things they pursue.
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Christopher Morley
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Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective an awareness that some things are really important, others not and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.
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Christopher Morley
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Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.
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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
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It is the saying of an ancient sage that humor was the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor.
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Common sense and sense of humor are the same thing moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
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It's humor, Jim, but not as we know it.
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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
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Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of everyone else.
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Humor is just another defense against the universe.
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If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it.
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The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.
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Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
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Humor - the perfect relationship of the parts to the whole.
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Imagination was given man to compensate for what he is not, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
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Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
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Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
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That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
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Nothing makes your sense of humor disappear faster than having somebody ask you where it is.
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Our five senses are incomplete without the sixth - a sense of humor.
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The love of truth lies at the root of much humor.
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Love is my Sword,
Goodness my Armor,
And Humor my Shield.
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Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their pedestals.
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Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
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A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
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Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.
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Humor the sons of the poor, for they give science its splendor.
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Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.
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Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
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You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches them tolerance.
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Good humor is a paradox. The unexpected juxtaposition of the reasonable next to the unreasonable.
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Humor is a rubber sword--it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
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Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
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Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
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True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laugther, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.
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Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. Unfortunately most of us are completely un
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"All humor is derived from pain, ergo nothing in Heaven is funny" Twain
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"This find this thing you Earthlings call 'humor' most unsettling."
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"I've never found your twisted sense of humor very funny, Chakotay."
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"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- William Gilbert
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"Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor." P.Tork, HEAD
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"Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor?"-Calvin
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"Humor is the ability to see three sides of the coin." -- Roren
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"Who says robots don't have a sense of humor?" -- Joel Robinson
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"I never liked your twisted sense of humor, Chakotay" -Torres
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"She's got her own sense of humor." -- Mike Nelson
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"That's my political humor.People like it when you're topical."-Carlin
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"Humor. It is a difficult concept." - Jack Butler
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"Humor: It's a difficult concept." --Moderator
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"Humor. It is a difficult concept." - Saavik
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