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Search Results:
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Steven Wright
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took itout, it was gone.
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Steven Wright
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A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over andreturned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
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Steven Wright
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
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Steven Wright
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Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them ondoughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, theymake erector sets out of play-dough.
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Steven Wright
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I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
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Steven Wright
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I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
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Steven Wright
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Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.It told me it was none of my business.
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Steven Wright
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The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name toLes.
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Steven Wright
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if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it ajoke?
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Steven Wright
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Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
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Steven Wright
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There aren't enough days in the weekend.
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Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check isin the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like thatall the time.
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Steven Wright
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I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's notfor sale."
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Steven Wright
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I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porchlight on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
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Steven Wright
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour inonly ten minutes.
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Steven Wright
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Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
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Steven Wright
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If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start tothink you're Shakespeare?
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Steven Wright
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If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave afan club?
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Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'mNarcissus.
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Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sunwouldn't rise.
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Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Steven Wright
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The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
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Steven Wright
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I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX adollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Steven Wright
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I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
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Steven Wright
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I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble onit. I make the holes bigger.
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Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer.It was made of grass.
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Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't knowwhat to feed it.
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Steven Wright
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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. Theylay there and looked at each other. Their families came andtook them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to eachother. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What didyou think?"
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Steven Wright
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I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
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Steven Wright
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This isn't all true.
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Steven Wright
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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Steven Wright
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back intime.
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Steven Wright
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled myage in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm sixI'll be ninety.
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Steven Wright
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I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they hada kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
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Steven Wright
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I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hottoday."
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Steven Wright
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street whensuddenly the prescription ran out.
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Steven Wright
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This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mikealong the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...
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Steven Wright
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I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"taller.
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Steven Wright
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at theroulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Steven Wright
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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I hadany firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
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Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rosetwice. Everything had two shadows.
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Steven Wright
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I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else'sproperty.
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Steven Wright
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I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got afull house and four people died.
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Steven Wright
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... Thestudy of milkmen.
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Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He gotpretty good. He could go under a rug.
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Steven Wright
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I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdinilocking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph ofNorman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Steven Wright
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I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on andact like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
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Steven Wright
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I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...Boy, were they mad!
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Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a wholepackage of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimesshe has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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