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Search Results:
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Rodney Dangerfield
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
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Rodney Dangerfield
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint
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Rodney Dangerfield
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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Rodney Dangerfield
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They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
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Rodney Dangerfield
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Why do they report power outages on TV?
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