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Search Results:
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Why is bra singular and panties plural?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Why is the word abbreviation so long?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Writing science labs is a simple task. You just have to list facts down and a write conclusion based on your facts. Like this one: You have scalpel, and a frog. Stab the frog with a scalpel. The conclusion: The frog is dead.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, "Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
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Jerry Seinfeld
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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
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Jerry Seinfeld
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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say "because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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TV ads show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a bloodstained T-shirt, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be,but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,they are always locking three.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,a bank robbery has just taken place.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
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Jerry Seinfeld
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I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
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Jerry Seinfeld
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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to the doctor because I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror . . . I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking the owner, how big I'd get.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Once when I was lost . . . I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid . . . there are so many places they can hide."
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born . . . the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could . . . he still pulled through."
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