| |
Search Results:
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning . . . put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up by briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy . . . why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over, nobody was home.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
We were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a picture of me.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and said.. Look...twins!
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
They say...Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her...The best woman a man ever had.... The waiter joined me.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed... Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... All right...you're ugly too!
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My only thrill is self inflicted... hickies.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
|
|
Rodney Dangerfield
|
I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
|
|
|