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Search Results:
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said...surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark...
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint Bernard!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with her they had to ask for directions.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem...I don't know who to thank!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS bra.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude...but I didn't see the mouse trap.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said...Why should I... you never put out for me.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said...No, one drag is enough.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm OK now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy...what a present he gave me!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days..just nights.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy...I'd have nothing to play with!
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Rodney Dangerfield
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A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me That is why we give you 21 days.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!
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Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
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Steven Wright
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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Steven Wright
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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Steven Wright
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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
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Steven Wright
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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