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Search Results:
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Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
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Steven Wright
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When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
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Steven Wright
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When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
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Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
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Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
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Steven Wright
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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
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Steven Wright
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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Steven Wright
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What's another word for Thesaurus?
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Steven Wright
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Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
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Steven Wright
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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
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Steven Wright
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Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
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Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about day
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Steven Wright
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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
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Steven Wright
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There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
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Steven Wright
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There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
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Steven Wright
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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Steven Wright
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
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Steven Wright
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The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
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Steven Wright
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The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Steven Wright
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The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
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Steven Wright
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Steven Wright
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Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.
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Steven Wright
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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Steven Wright
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Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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Steven Wright
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
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Steven Wright
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One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
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Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
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Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Steven Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
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Steven Wright
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My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
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Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Steven Wright
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My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912...Well, to make a long story short...
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Steven Wright
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Steven Wright
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Steven Wright
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My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
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Steven Wright
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
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Steven Wright
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My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Steven Wright
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Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
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Steven Wright
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Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
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Steven Wright
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
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Steven Wright
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I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
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Steven Wright
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I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
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Steven Wright
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I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
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Steven Wright
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Steven Wright
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Steven Wright
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I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Steven Wright
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
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Steven Wright
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I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
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