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Search Results:
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Steven Wright
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I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
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Steven Wright
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I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
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Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Steven Wright
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I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Steven Wright
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I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
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Steven Wright
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
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Steven Wright
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Steven Wright
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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
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Steven Wright
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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
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Steven Wright
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I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
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Steven Wright
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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
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Steven Wright
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I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
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Steven Wright
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I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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Steven Wright
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I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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Steven Wright
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I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
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Steven Wright
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I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
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Steven Wright
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I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
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Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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Steven Wright
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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Steven Wright
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I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
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Steven Wright
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I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
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Steven Wright
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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Steven Wright
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I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Steven Wright
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it."
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Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
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Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Steven Wright
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I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
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Steven Wright
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Steven Wright
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I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
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Steven Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
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Steven Wright
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Steven Wright
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
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Steven Wright
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
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Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Steven Wright
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I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
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Steven Wright
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I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
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Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Steven Wright
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I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
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Steven Wright
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire.
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Steven Wright
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I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
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Steven Wright
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I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me are furious!
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Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Steven Wright
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I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
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Steven Wright
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
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Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
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