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Search Results:
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Steven Wright
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I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
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Steven Wright
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Steven Wright
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.
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Steven Wright
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
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Steven Wright
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I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
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Steven Wright
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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
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Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I was doing.
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Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Steven Wright
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I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?
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Steven Wright
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I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
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Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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Steven Wright
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I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
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Steven Wright
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I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
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Steven Wright
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I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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Steven Wright
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I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
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Steven Wright
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Steven Wright
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I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
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Steven Wright
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I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
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Steven Wright
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I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
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Steven Wright
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He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
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Steven Wright
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Steven Wright
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Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
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Steven Wright
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
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Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?
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Steven Wright
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Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
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Steven Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Steven Wright
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And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
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Steven Wright
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
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Steven Wright
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After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
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Steven Wright
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
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Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
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Steven Wright
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A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
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Steven Wright
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What are imitation rhinestones?
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Steven Wright
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Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
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Steven Wright
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The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with Englishsubtitles.
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Steven Wright
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I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
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Steven Wright
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Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
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Steven Wright
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I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me aform, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence thedemographics one way or another.
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Steven Wright
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Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if hehad cross-trained.
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Steven Wright
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Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate andthere's no cure in sight.
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Steven Wright
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A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.All they found was a pile of dust.
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Steven Wright
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Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbonpaper.
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Steven Wright
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Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You maywonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eatsanother hummingbird.
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Steven Wright
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As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
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Steven Wright
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The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
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Steven Wright
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The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap isthe hanging plant.
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Steven Wright
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Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
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Steven Wright
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Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. Isaid, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'llbe the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of thosebiker-sushi places. We never met.
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Steven Wright
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I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford halfof them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
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Steven Wright
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I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." Theheadwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
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