Dumb
Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. At the bottom of an escalator, scream “My SHOELACES! AAAGH!” Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. .Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen... ....but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”. Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?” Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. Test mattresses in your pajamas. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. Sprint up the down escalator. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France...” Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. Play the tuba for change. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play “Jesus Built My Hotrod”. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz.” Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have “any giant junk made out of straw.” “Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flat top!” Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”. “Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.” Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.” Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet. Walk up the skinniest stairs in the mall with your arms out not letting anyone pass and walkin really slow. And any time someone is near yell. Find one of the huge boom-boxes and turn it to some rock station. Then, turn it off and turn the volume all the way up. Then the next person to check it out will have great fun! Set all of the alarm clocks in any of the Bed & Bath stores to go off every ten minutes on the loudest setting possible. Buy the largest soda the stores have available, drink it down to the last inch, then stand behind someone while slurping up the remainding soda as loud as possible,when they tell you to stop it retort that you don't like to waste things. Men go into women's clothes stores and try on skirts, underclothes, swimsuits, etc. Ask shop assisants what they think (vise-versa for women) Bring survial gear and "live" in one of the tents in a camping shops. Scream "Help" & "We're under fire" every 5 mins. Make battle noises as well! Wear you swimming clothes and go swimming in the coin pool! Wear armbands and a rubber ring for extra effect! Start a sing along in the middle of the mall. Print lots of "Fake" money, go into the mall (second floor if available) amd throw it all away. Go into a pet shop and release all the birds, parrots etc. Screaming at the top of your voice "Be free my feathered friends" Follow someone with children around yelling "mommy I want that!" Take the money out the fountain while swimming and hand it out to people,spend it or if possible throw it from the second floor (it might hurt someone) Add strange growths to the giant lego men in the toy stores Put weird backgrounds on store computers when people aren't looking. buy a feather boa at a clothing store and hang on to the rail while waving it and screaming "Look everyone I can fly!" Stand in front of the Gap. "Fall" in repeatedly. Threaten legal action. When ever someone makes an annoncment over the loud speakers cover your ears and scream "The voices...the voices...make them stop" With a friend, speak in a different language (or make up your own) and make a seen, pointing at signs and people as if they were something shiny and new that you've never seen before. Pretend you're a tourist. Walk right on people\'s heels and when they look back at you stop and look at the celing and when they turn back around countine Annoying Things To Do During a Boring Sermon Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with “A” then “B” and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Chew gum... if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. Try to raise one eyebrow. Crack your knuckles. Twiddle your thumbs. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. When the service gets long, write the time on the back of a bulletin, hold it up for the preacher to see, and up date it every five minutes. Grab the bulletin and start redesigning the church symbol. Make faces at the person on the other side of the room and see if you get other peoples attention. Produce your own light show with the overhead projector. Mouth the word "lightning" to the pastor. Say "Amen" every time the pastor says "Lord" or "Father." >> Back to Homepage |
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