NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry . ...Eat a shoe.
If you have to throw up, get into a chair, QUICKLY! If you can't manage that in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, any good rug will do.
ALWAYS accompany guests to the bathroom. It's not necessary to do anything; just sit and stare.
Do not allow closed doors in ANY room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws.
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled with food.
Once a door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you've ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. It's particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
Begin people training early. You'll then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
If a human is sitting on the couch, he has automatically consented to kisses from a dog.
Dogs may be on the bed but they must stay on their own doggie blanket and not on the human's sheets.
If a human is in the bathroom and the door is shut, it is okay for a dog to nudge his way in and sit and stare at the human. It is also acceptable for a dog to sniff around the garbage can and toilet bowl, you know, just to check things out.
Dogs may be on the bed and off the doggie blanket if they are relatively clean and flea-free.
Dogs are allowed in the kitchen to supervise the cooking and to help clean up any food that may fall on the floor.
While the humans are at the table eating dinner, it is customary for a dog to nudge his nose against the human's leg to indicate his presence and signal that he is ready for handouts. Also, if the nose trick doesn't work, then the dog's hot breath against the human's leg will act as a signal.
Dogs are allowed in the bed, and off of the doggie blanket, but they must allow the humans to take their positions first and then the dogs may sleep wherever space is available.
If the humans are outside the fence talking to neighbors, it is okay for the dogs to bark to get the humans' attention and order the humans back into the yard.
If the humans are out front, it is okay for the dogs to sit at the window and whine very loudly.
Dogs are allowed in the bed, and off the doggie blanket, but must only allow the alpha human to get comfortable. Dogs may use the remaining space as they see fit.
After a human is finished eating, and sits down on the couch, it is perfectly okay for the dog to run over to him, jump on his lap, and smell his breath.
Dogs may bring inside whatever sticks or roots they find appetizing. Dogs should also feel free to devour them on the rug, couch, or chair.
If a favorite human is visiting, the dog should make sure to jump into the chair the favorite human wants, so the human will have to pay attention to the dog.
If treats are being handed out in return for tricks, it's okay for the dog to do all the tricks he knows (not just the one the human asked for) so that he will surely get the treat.
If treats are being handed out in return for tricks, it is also okay for the dog to do only one trick (no matter what trick is being requested) because the dog is so good at the trick.
When the humans come home from work, the dogs should greet them excitedly, with their rear ends wiggling and then proceed to fight with each other.
If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. |
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