Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, automatically it's mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
How Dogs Are Like Men
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does the dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch. And they never laugh at how you throw.
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (Well, truthfully rabies is the worst, but there IS a vaccine for it. And, you get to kill the one that gave it to you!)
10. Dogs understand what “no” means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
How Dogs Are Better Than Women
1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
10. A dog does not shop.
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog
1. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
2. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is quite effective.
3. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
5. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
6. Be loyal.
7. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
8. Don't go out without ID.
9. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
10. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
13. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
14. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
15. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
16. Never pretend to be something you're not.
17. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
18. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
19. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
20. Run, romp, and play daily.
21. Take naps and stretch before rising.
22. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
23. When it's in your best interest—practice obedience.
24. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
25. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him gently.
26. When you do something wrong, accept responsibility…once you've been dragged out from under the bed.
27. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Daily Canine Routine
Everyday is divided into two important sections: mealtime and everything else.
I. Mealtime
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things that cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not mealtime is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
1. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
2. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
astiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Doberman Pinscher: Leave it out. I prefer to work in the dark...
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: I thought it got dark out there, but you know, from under here, it's so hard to tell.
Puli: You know, thees lighteengs appeel to my deep, roMANteek soul. I weell put on a leetle geepsie music for you, my dear. Then maybe we cry a leetle together, no?
Alsatian (German Shepherd): Who turned out the lights?! Nobody move! You're all under arrest.
Junkyard dog: Hey, don't throw away that burned-out bulb. We can use that.
Any cat: You there, Alsatian, get the ladder. Irish setter, fetch the spare bulb. No, not a 60-watt you idiot. 100-watt. Do I have to do everything....?!!!
Famous Quotes about Dogs
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that
says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of at!'" --Sean Connery
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
--Will Rogers
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are
incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." --Sigmund Freud
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." --Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events.
The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog
news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the
next yard." --Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." --
Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." --Unknown
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water
bowl." --Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down." --Robert Benchley
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --Fran Lebowitz
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
--Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's
almost $21.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." --Ann Landers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." --Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
--Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read." --Groucho Marx
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known
will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein
Walkin' In A Doggie Wonderland
by Bill Thacker
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, not white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
Avoid where I pee, it's my pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's
Mine-mine--mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
Stay off my turf, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland. |
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