What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A recovering alcoholic.
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Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "He knows when to stop."
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There was a guy who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!
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Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.
One: "Whew, it's windy today!"
Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"
Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!
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A beer was spilt on the barroom floor,
And the bar was closed for the night...
And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,
Who made a funny sight...
He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,
And back on his haunches he sat...
And all through the night you could hear him yell,
"Bring on the damn cat!"
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Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call,
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
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