* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
* You were born somewhere else.
* You know how to eat an artichoke.
* The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
* Your car has bullet-proof windows.
* Left is right and right is wrong.
* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
* Your mouse has only one ball.
* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
* You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
* You drive to your neighborhood block party.
* Your family tree contains "significant others."
* Your cat has its own psychiatrist.
* You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
* More than clothes come out of the closets.
* When "the Dead" are best live.
* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
* More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
* Smoking in your office is not optional.
* You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
* When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."
* Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
* Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
* You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
* You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
* A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
* When all highways into the state say: "no fruits."
* All highways out of the state say: "Go back."
* Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
* You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
* Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
* You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
* You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
* You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
* A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
* A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
* Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U. S.
* A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
* Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
* Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
* Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag
* It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004."
* You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.
* You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
* The Terminator is your governor!
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