What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
=================================
"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."
Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid?
He doesn,t know how to work the slide and he can't swing!
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Whats the best thing to play on a stand up bass?
Solitaire.
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..
Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish ..
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
==============================
*** Secrets of the Music Biz ***
1. The badness of a musical composition is directly proportional to the number of violas in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why instrumental parts are written in transposed pitch. (Especially trumpet parts in E.)
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have perfect pitch are telling you that their sense of relative pitch is defective.
4. The most valuable function performed by a Wagnerian opera is its ability to drown out a rock concert.
5. You should never say anything to a sideman that even remotely sounds like a compliment unless you are prepared to pay double scale.
6. A string sample saved is worthless.
7. Wynton Marsalis can hold all the Lincoln Center Jazz Concerts he wants. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms will still prefer Yanni.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is Andrew Lloyd Webber.
9. The one thing that unites all non-musicians, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, they all have below-average musical taste.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "arranging" and "mental illness."
12. People who want you to listen to their music almost never want to listen to yours.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates music for television dramas. When TV composers need a new dramatic cue, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible musical themes, it spits out, "ONE LONG LOW SCARY NOTE ON A SYNTHESIZER, " and this becomes the cue. The next time they need a cue, the computer spits out, "TWO LONG SCARY NOTES ON A SYNTHESIZER." And so on, ad infinitum. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers - - along with TV producers and entertainment lawyers.
14. No group singer is normal.
15. At least once per year, Bill Conti will become very excited and announce that: (1) His producers loved the first theme he played for them; (2) They loved the second theme even more than the first; (3) He has never composed anything they didn't love.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason composers have not achieved, and never will achieve their full potential, that word would be "copyists."
17. The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film "Fantasia" in which they ripped-off Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" by paying his agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.
18. The value of a composer's agent is to convince the producer that using a music-cue library would not be cheaper than hiring a composer.
19. If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by means of vile conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger - - Oliver Stone. But John Williams will write the score.
20. You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your inferiority complex.
21. A movie producer who is suddenly nice to you is not really a nice person. It means he is thinking about hiring another composer, probably John Williams.
22. No matter what happens at a recording session (for example, the players shout "Bravo" and applaud) somebody will still find something wrong with your music, and the producer will begin to have doubts. Serious doubts.
23. When musical problems in a film arise and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is the producer's brother-in-law. He is a (budding) composer.
24. Your friends love you, even if you are tone-deaf.
25. Nobody cares if you can't compose music well. Just go ahead and compose. You are sure to succeed... if you suck up to the right person.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
=================================
*** A Jazz Guitarist's Dilemma! ***
If you have a lot of chops and use them .. you play too many notes
If you don't have a lot of chops ..you don't play enough notes
If you're a high energy player ..you don't play with enough feeling
If you play with lots of feeling you're too sappy
If you like a fat round sound..your sound is too fat
If you thin out your sound..you're sound is too thin
If you play a lot of chordal solo's..why does he play so many chords?
If you chord work is sparce..he doesn't play enough chords.
If you use heavy strings..why does he use such heavy strings?
If you use lighter strings..he should use heavier strings to sound better
If you sit and play..why doesn't he stand?
If you stand why doesn't he sit?
If you smile..what's wrong with him?
If you don't smile..what's wrong with him?
If you play two measures in octaves..Wes was a big influence
If you play more than two measures in octaves..you sound just like Wes
If you like to play "out" what's he doing, can he really play?
If you play " inside". Yeah! But can he really play?
If you play an Archtop ..why does he need such a big guitar
If you play a solid-body that's not a jazz guitar
If you're not a good reader..he can't read
If you're a good reader..why?..some of the best players couldn't read
If you like to dress up and look neat..who does he think he is?
If you don't look neat..he's still a hippie
If you grow a beard..what's he hiding?
If you're clean shaven..he doesn't look like a jazz musician
Finally
You introduce yourself as a jazz guitarist ...
Oh God! Not another guitar player!
==============================
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen!
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They can't get that high.
What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
===========================
*** A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line ***
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4.Look the other way just before cues.
5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
===============================
Why did the Philharmonic disband?
Excessive sax and violins.
Borodin nothing to do!!
Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
=====================
*** Orchestra Personnel Standards ***
Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Concertmaster:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Oboist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Trumpet Player:
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Bassoonist:
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
Second Violinist:
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
Manager:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
Horn Player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
=================================
How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?
Throw in a food stamp
How do you get em out?
Throw in a bar of soap
Why are bass players steering wheels so small?
so they can drive with handcuffs on
Why do flys have wings?
to beat the drummers to the trash can.
Why do guitarist make great astronauts?
because all they take up is space in school.
Who won the drummer beauty contest?
nobody.
What are the three most difficult years in a bass players life?
second grade.
How do you give a drummer a concusion?
smash his head with the toilet seat while he's drinking.
What do you call a bass playing sky diving?
instant air pollution.
What do you call a building full of guitarists?
jail.
Q: How many drummers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How do you stop a guitar player from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of bass players?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a song writer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do you call 20 bass players skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.
Q: What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q: Why do drummers like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
Q: How are lead singers like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Q: How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.
Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical keyboard player?
A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q: What should you give a keyboard player who has everything?
A: A bass player to show him how to work it.
==========================
*** Noah and the Band ***
And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him. "Noah, awake and heed my words!"
And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?"
And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all things, dummy!"
And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hast Thou wakened me?" And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band" "For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets." And Noah did say, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?'
And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou wilt be my Contractor. Ask not why!" And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?" And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument in the band, just to be safe."
And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?" And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all Payments." "Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore." And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, Thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"
And the Lord said, "Next, find Me a Rhythm Section. "First, find me a Drummer. and three things above all must this Drummer possess." And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?" And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying, "Second-guess Me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. "And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. "And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player."
And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?" And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all."
And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?" "Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. "Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."
And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, great is Thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing "Old Time Rock n' Roll". Also shall he not know The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels. "And his tux shall be the Rattiest." And Noah did say, "It shall be done."
And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. "First shall be the Saxophones. And ye shall know them as Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when "In The Mood" is called.
"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing.
"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band."
And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!" "Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. 'And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."
And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?" "And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers. "And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. "And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'n Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. "And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, And the Disco. And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, And forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment. "And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why." And Noah did say, " As Thou sayest, my Lord."
And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And while you're at it, start looking for Subs." And Noah did say, "Lord, Thy will be done." And it was.
==========================
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.
In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians ***
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Ritard -- There's one in every family
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time-- Parole
Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
High C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale --The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
First Inversion --Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"
Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
=================================
*** 36 RULES FOR BANDS ***
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.("and/or lead singers!" -Timbo)
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
So, how many have YOU broken?
===================
*** A Definition of the Orchestra ***
The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the percussion. There's also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This would be the conductor. It is generally required that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite serious about their food.
Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation, let me set the record straight in plain English about some of the characteristics which typify the four groups.
Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions -- their instruments -- so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or female.
String players are neurotic prima donnas who won't even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully ... or often.
Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.
Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They are always male, or close enough.
Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective -- if not respected -- players within each section.
The woodwinds:
Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special.
English horn players are losers although they dress better then oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.
Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs -- their only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.
It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers -- the instruments as well as the players -- and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.
Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.
The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports card. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.
Let's continue now with the real truth about ... the strings.
We begin with the string family's smallest member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It's not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one -- the door to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool.
The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don't like to be made fun of and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They were shabby clothes so that they'll look as if they've just been dragged under a train. It works quite well.
People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its player's considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis which won't end until they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.
Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?
Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as hen's teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind layers into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right - harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.
The brass:
Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I'll admit, though, they do look good when they're all cleaned up. They'll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They're worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don't think so.
Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don't shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn't hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don't count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It's a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.
The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They'll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren't afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don't miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn't smell so sweet.
The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They'd give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It's a crying shame that there's only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different.
And finally -- the percussion.
These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don't deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them -- to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it's always too loud! The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he's also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don't practice -- I guess they figure it's bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert. Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist.
And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what's on their minds ... if anything.
==============================
*** Great Lies of The Music Business ***
The booking is definite
Your check's in the mail
We can fix it in the mix
This is the best dope you've ever had
The show starts at 8
My agent will take care of it
I'm sure it will work
Your tickets are at the door
It sounds in tune to me
Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
I know your mic is on
I checked it myself
The roadie took care of it
She'll be backstage after the show
Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
It's the hottest pickup I could get
The club will provide the PA and lights
I really love the band
We'll have it ready by tonight
We'll have lunch sometime
If it breaks, we'll fix it for free
We'll let you know
I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up.
The place was packed
We'll have you back next week
Don't worry, you'll be the headliner
It's on the truck
My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
Someone will be there early to let you in
I've only been playing for a year
I've been playing for 20 years
We'll have flyers printed tomorrow
I'm with the band
The band drinks free
You'll get your cut tonight
We'll supply someone for the door
You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car
There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
It's totally compatible with your current program
You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
This is one of Jimi's old Strats
We'll definitely come to the gig
You can depend on me
===============================
How do you know there's a flute player at your door?
You don't. They can't find the right key and don't know when to make
the entrance.
=============================
*** Let There Be Bass ***
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst', and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.
And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.
And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."
"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."
"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
And it was so.
==============================
Q: What's the difference between a soundman and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a soundman.
Q - What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A - A pair of Re-Bachs.
Why can't you hear a soprano on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
What does a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
===========================
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A - They both suck without Cream
Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A - One matures.
Q - What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A - Pick on someone your own size!
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To escape the Heavy Metal Music. |
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