"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
"I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing."
"My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, ‘If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, ‘No." She said, ‘Okay, then forget it.'"
"I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.'"
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?"
"The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, ‘Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.'"
"What a nice night for an evening."
"When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's dad. He said, ‘I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, ‘The middle of August? Cool!'"
"I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious."
"I live on a one-way dead-end street."
"Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out."
"I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, ‘No thanks—-I'm not going that far.'"
"I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained."
"Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?"
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