1. A beer gut doesn’t make us invisible to the opposite sex.
2. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3. All movie nudity is female.
4. Bachelor parties kick bridal showers’ ass.
5. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. Baywatch!
7. Belches are tolerated.
8. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
9. Chocolate is merely another snack.
10. Christmas shopping for 25 relatives can be easily accomplished on December 24th in 45 spare minutes.
11. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob us blind.
12. ESPN’s SportsCenter.
13. Every orgasm is real.
14. Everything on our face stays its original color.
15. Flowers and/or duct tape can fix everything.
16. Foreplay is optional.
17. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
18. Guys in hockey masks never attack us.
19. Hot wax never comes near our pubic area.
20. If someone forgets to invite us to something, he can still be our friend.
21. If something mechanical doesn’t work, we can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
22. If we don’t call our buddy when we say we will, he won’t tell our other friends we’ve changed.
23. If we retain water, it’s in a canteen.
24. If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.
25. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in our universe.
26. Monday Night Football.
27. New shoes don’t blister, cut, and mangle our feet.
28. No coworker has the power to make us cry.
29. Nobody secretly wonders whether we swallow.
30. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when we enter the room.
31. Not liking a person doesn’t preclude having great sex with them.
32. Old friends don’t give a damn whether we’ve gained or lost weight.
33. One mood, all the time
34. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. Our ass is never a factor in job interviews.
36. Our belly usually hides our fat ass.
37. Our last name stays put.
38. Our pals will never trap us with, “So? Notice anything different?”
39. People never glance at our chest when we’re talking to them.
40. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
41. Porn movies are designed especially for us.
42. Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.
43. Same work...more pay!
44. Sex never makes us worry about our reputation.
45. Someday we’ll be dirty old men.
46. The garage is all ours.
47. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
48. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
49. The remote control is ours and ours alone.
50. The same hairstyle lasts for years.
51. The world is our urinal.
52. There’s always a game on somewhere.
53. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
54. Toilet cleaning is optional.
55. Two guys who show up at a party wearing the same outfit may end up lifelong buddies.
56. Underwear is $6.95 a three-pack.
57. We almost never have strap problems in public.
58. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
59. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
60. We can “do” our nails with a pocketknife.
61. We can admire Clint Eastwood without starving ourselves to look like him.
62. We can be 34 and single and nobody even notices.
63. We can be President.
64. We can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.
65. We can buy condoms without shopkeepers imagining us naked.
66. We can drop by to see a friend without bringing a gift.
67. We can eat a banana in a hardware store.
68. We can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
69. We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
70. We can kill our own food.
71. We can leave a hotel bed unmade.
72. We can open our own jars.
73. We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
74. We can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking, “He must be mad at me!”
75. We can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “Aw, screw it!”
76. We can say anything without worrying about what people will think.
77. We can scratch wherever and whenever it itches.
78. We can sit with our knees apart no matter what we’re wearing.
79. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
80. We can whip off our shirts on a hot day.
81. We can write our name in the snow.
82. We don’t care if someone talks about us behind our backs.
83. We don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone notices our new haircut or not.
84. We don’t have to clean up just because the maid is coming.
85. We don’t have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
86. We don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
87. We don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary” items with us everywhere we go.
88. We don’t have to monitor our friends’ sex lives.
89. We don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
90. We don’t have to shave below the neck.
91. We don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
92. We don’t mooch others’ desserts.
93. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
94. We get to jump up and slap stuff.
95. We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
96. We have a normal and healthy relationship with our mothers.
97. We have freedom of choice concerning mustache growth.
98. We know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
99. We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
100. We needn’t pretend we’re “freshening up” just to go to the bathroom.
101. We never have to clean a toilet.
102. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s “just too icky.”
103. We never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
104. We never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean our lover’s about to leave us.
105. We never miss a sexual opportunity because we’re “not in the mood.”
106. We never say, “If you don’t know what’s wrong, I’m not going to tell you!”
107. We never try to stop a pal from getting laid.
108. We see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
109. We think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
110. We understand why Stripes is funny.
111. Wedding dress: $2,500. Tuxedo rental: $100.
112. Weddings plan themselves.
113. When changing channels, we don’t stall out every time we see someone crying.
114. When our work is criticized, we don’t panic that everyone secretly hates us.
115. With 400 million sperm per shot, we could theoretically double the Earth’s population in 15 tries.
116. Wrinkles add character.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all of your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.
You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
You never have to clean a toilet.
You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Same work...more pay!
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off of other's desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote control is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's SportsCenter.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There's always a game on somewhere.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves."
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles-add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking ''He must be mad at me.
No maxi-pads.
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December24th, in minutes.
The world is your urinal
And a Few Things That Are Not Cool
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $260,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. “Ribbed” for her pleasure—not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. No way in hell can you flirt your way out of a traffic ticket.
10. “Women and children first.” |
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