A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad after all', and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
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A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.
"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud
What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky
What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet
What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.
What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod
What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
Bernie
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
Dick
What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
First base
What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
Stu
What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a fence?
Barb
What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
Jack
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Bill
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell
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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!" |
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