"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher said to her most mischievous child.
"Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?"
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Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
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A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?"
The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said Little Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass."
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!"
"So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
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Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
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"I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much better than yours."
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"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"
Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try."
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a horny bastard?"
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A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up but says nothing.
"How old are you?"
"Six," Johnny says.
"Six? When did you start smoking?"
"Right after the first time I got laid."
"Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."
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Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds, "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate. "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the teacher.
Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each of our hearts!"
"That's VERY good," she smiled.
When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.
"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "
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One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chicks before they're hatched."
Last is Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, "Don't screw with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
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Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
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As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "But this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
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One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
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The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Again, that was good, Sally, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could vulgarize the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny stood by the side of his desk and said with a smile, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten 8."
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "But then I wouldn't have a siren."
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One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "You may go home early."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"
"Very good," says the teacher, "You may go also."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
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Johnny was not a very good student and could always be depended upon to say something vulgar at a moment's notice. One day in class the teacher was talking about poetry, one of Johnny's favorite subjects.
The teacher had Mary stand up and recite a poem. She recited the poem, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and Johnny muttered in the back of the room, "Ain't that a bunch of shit!"
The teacher decided to ignore Johnny in the hope that he would stop these mutterings. She then had Jimmy stand up and recite "Hey Diddle Diddle." Johnny muttered in the back again, "Ain't that a bunch of shit"!
After two more poems and two more mutterings, the teacher said, "Johnny! I want you to go out and stand in the hall. You will not be allowed back in the class room until you have made up a rhyme and recite it to the class. And there better not be any swear words in it!"
Even Johnny didn't like standing idly in the hall so he came up with a rhyme and asked the teacher to allow him back in. "Okay, Johnny, let us hear your rhyme."
Johnny recited, "As I was standing in the hall, I saw a cockroach run up the wall."
The teacher says, "That was pretty good Johnny but, I want you to repeat it. This time, leave the 'cock' out."
Johnny thinks a minute, then says, "As I was standing in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall... with his cock out! Ain't that a bunch of SHIT!"
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It seems little farm boy Johnny accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Johnny!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Johnny answered, "But I don't think daddy would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But daddy won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Johnny thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know daddy is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
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A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."
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One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state.
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells then the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They head out the back, as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
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Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
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There has been an emergency when Bert gets home from work. His 9 year old son, Little Johnny called to tell him that his younger son has been hurt, he was hit by a car. Bert rushes through the doors of the emergency room at the hospital, "I got here as fast as I could! How is Milton?"
He is told by his wife, "He's fine. He needed three stitches in his chin."
"Johnny told me what happened! Thank goodness he's all right! Thank goodness he wasn't killed! I can't believe our Little Milty was hit by a car!"
"That's what Johnny told you?" asks Wilma.
"Well, he said some other stuff, too, but I was running out the door? Why?"
"Are you familiar with the 'Hot Wheels' line of vehicles?"
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After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse."
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"Ok, now take off my skirt." He takes off her skirt.
"Now take off my bra."
So he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."
When Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
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Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"
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Little Johnny came home from school crying. His mother asked him, "What's wrong, Little Johnny? Why are you crying?"
Little Johnny said, "The kids were teasing me. They said I have a big head. They called me 'head case' and 'bushel head' and all sorts of other horrible names."
"Nonsense, Little Johnny. Your head is no larger than the other kids. Come here and sit on my lap," said his mother.
She told him how she loved him and how special he was and finally he stopped crying. She had cheered him up so he was his usual happy self.
"Now, Little Johnny," she said, "I would like you to go to the store for me. Would you get a couple of quarts of milk and a large soda pop?"
"How am I going to get them home, Mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "My wagon is broken. Remember?"
"That's okay," she said, "Just put them in your cap."
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A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
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The teacher said, "Every Friday I will ask a question to the class. Whoever can answer my question can have Monday off from school."
When Friday approached, the teacher asked, "How many grains of sand are there in this world?"
No one could answer her. Then they all anxiously waited till the next Friday. When Friday was finally here the teacher asked, "How many stars are there in the sky?"
Again no kid could answer.
Confused little Johnny went to thinking. As the next Friday approached he thought of something. He took to of his ping-pong ball and painted them black. Then he took them to school on Friday.
When the class was packing up to go home, the teacher started to say something, immediately he let go of his balls and since his class got so distracted by little things they started to laugh.
The teacher frowned and asked, "OK, whose the comedian with the black balls?"
Little Johnny wasting no time, replied, "That would be Bill Cosby. See ya on Tuesday!!"
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In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
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One day, little Johnny was walking to school with his pet 2 turtles for show and tell. While he was on his way, a truck drove by and startled him. Johnny dropped the turtles and the truck ran them over killing both of them instantly.
Johnny went along to school anyway. When the class all finished doing their show and tell projects, the teacher finally called on Johnny, "Johnny, where is your show and tell for today?"
Johnny replied, "Well teacher it's like this, I was walking to school with my pet turtles and a truck drove by and scared me. I dropped the turtles and the truck ran his ass right over 'em and killed 'em!"
His teacher was in shock and very sternly stated, "Johnny, we don't use that kind of language in school. We say rectum."
Johnny said, "Rectum...it damn killed 'em!" |
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