Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
- In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
- Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
- In a pet shop window: The more people I meet, the more I like dogs.
- In front of a junk yard building: DRIVE RECKLESS! IT HELPS BUSINESS!
- In front of a house: FOR SALE, BUY OWNER!
- Sign in front of a Beauty Shop: CUSTOMERS WANTED... NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY!
- A sign above the urinal in the men's room: Our aim is to keep this place clean. Your *aim* will help.
- On a travel agency: PLEASE GO AWAY
- On entering the Lion Country Safari in Florida, there is a sign: TRESPASSERS WILL BE EATEN!
- A sign outside a church: ch__ch What's missing? ur
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
- An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now!"
- An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery - Walk-ins Welcomed."
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
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