PERSONAL HYGIENE
--Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
--While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck zeys.
--Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
--Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
--Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
--When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
--If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
--Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
--A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
--Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
--Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
--If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
--Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
--No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
--Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
--Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
--If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
--Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.
--Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
--Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
--Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
--Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
--Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
--When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
--Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
--A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
--For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
--Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
--When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
--Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
--When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
--Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
--Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
--Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
--Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
--Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
--Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
--It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
--Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
--The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
--If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
--Always provide an alibi to the police for family members. |
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