Saw something today
That reminded me of you.
As a matter of fact it was
The shit on my shoe!
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I must express my gratitude
for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.
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It's Christmas time, and once again,
the family's gathered 'round.
Uncles, aunts, and cousins come
to raise a joyful sound.
All that is, except for you,
whom we can only send this mail.
But we'll save your gifts for fifty years
'till you get out of jail.
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The frost is on the meadow,
The dew upon the grass.
Here's your stinking birthday card,
Now shove it up your ass!
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This Christmas time I give to you
a book that isn't mine.
So give it back before it's due
Or I'll have to pay a fine.
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Your dog is dead.
So sorry to hear
He was chasing cars...
And caught a semi in the rear.
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Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
Well don't worry about her....
She moved in with me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
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OTHER MISCELLANEOUS SENTIMENTS
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday so we're having you put to sleep." |
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