Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team from the league needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS.
They're only good for one period and have no second string!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"
George replies, "Absolutely.... I got here in TWO, didn't I?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hunter was visiting another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
George replied, "Well... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you noticed that the "Super Bowl" this year sounds more like the "Condom Bowl"?
Titans vs. Rams.
Did you know racecar spelled backwards is racecar? Who says NASCAR isn't educational?
Did you hear Dale Earnhardt was arrested for drugs?
They found everything but speed on him.
Did you see where that lady that won the 20 million dollar lawsuit for the McDonald's coffee being too hot, is suing Walmart?
Apparently she bought an Ernie Irvin Shirt and hit the wall 10 times before she left the store.
Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. Why? Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water and Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.
What do you call 42 rednecks chasing a queer?
NASCAR
What's the difference between a Metallica concert and a Tyson - Holyfield match?
After the Metallica concert, there's a ring in the ears...after the bout, there are ears in the ring.
How many files did Evander Holyfield download from the Mike Tyson website?
A couple of megabytes.
If Tyson gets banned for life, he could always become a barber. Think about it: You could walk into his shop and say, "Hey, Mike! Could you take a little off the ears?"
Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson III is going to be held in Tennessee?
Don King's calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew.
What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A huddle.
Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
The police.
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.
How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
Studying their Miranda Rights.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: Whack! "Shit!" Bad Skydiver: "Shit!!" Whack!!
Why don't the Amish water ski?
The horses would drown.
How did Captain Hook die?
Jock itch.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Di didn't?
A good driver. (I know...very bad taste!)
The worst golf player in history must have been Adolf Hitler.
He never got out of the bunker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Manager: "I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today."
Golfer: "Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them."
Manager: "Of course we would, sir."
Golfer: "Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four women were out on the golf course, when one pointed out a white blur approaching from a distance.. As it grew closer, they could see it was a streaker drawing near.. As the nude guy ran past the women one said, "My golly, who is that? Was that Dick Green??"
Another answered, "I don't think so. I think it was just the reflection."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," That will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a football coach that had a player on his team that was a bit low. The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he would be allowed to play in the big game.
The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office and asked him to recite the formula for water. The player grinned real big and said, "H I J K L M N O."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple met on a golf course, and fell in love. A few weeks later, the guy said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, breath, and sleep golf."
The lady said, "Since we are being honest here, I have something to tell you, I'm a hooker."
The guy looked down to ground, and thought for a minute, and then looked up and said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
|
|
