I don't have the latest department guidelines... = I've got my head up my ass.

Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed... = I've got my head up his/her ass.

Talk to the department secretary. = Piss off.

Talk to me in my office after class. = Get out of my face.

The tests will all be multiple-choice. = I take questions directly from the study guide, and have grad students do all my grading.

Don't come in late during my lecture. = I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

Save your questions until the end. = See above.

The final will be comprehensive. = I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. = This course is outside my specialty - I'll just bluff it and let you teach.

There are two TAs available to help you. = I can't be bothered.

This year, I'll be scaling the grades. = I just passed tenure review.

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups. = I have a hangover.

Let's have class outdoors today! = I had beans for lunch.

You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore. = My contract wasn't picked up.

Please note the last day to withdraw. = The midterm's gonna suck.

The answer to #4 is "b", and just skip #17. = I only got around to making up the test last night.

The second list is optional reading. = I have a rich fantasy life.

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet= The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

Well, it was on the syllabus. = I'll hold you responsible for this, even though I forgot about it myself.

We'll just skip the term paper this semester. = There wasn't enough money in the budget for a TA.

Bring a #2 pencil to the exam. = See above.

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. = I'm so boring, no one would show up otherwise..

Read chapters 5 through 10. = I'm not coming in at all next week.

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly. = I screwed up on the lecture schedule.

Let's go over the exam. = Half of you failed.

It was in the textbook. = I pulled it out of my ass.

Extra credit is available. = I need some scut-work done.

I'm postponing today's exam. = There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

Don't write on the question sheet. = I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester