"Hey
guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now?
you guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."
Roses
are red, violets are blue,
Sugar
is sweet, and so are you
The
roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The
sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The
roses stink, sorta like sheep
But
leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The
roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And
I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten
We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might
find out!
"Hello?
...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak
up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message.
BEEP."
You are dazed,
bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with
sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary
answering device; this is "The Twilight
Phone"
This call
may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you
don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the
answering machine know when you leave your message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Talk
to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone.
BEEP!
Go
away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!
These words
are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.
Hey, it's
________
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you
Sorry we’re
not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.
Please leave
a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you
say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Roses are
red booger's are green please leave your message on this stupid machine
.
So long as
phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to
thee.
Now I lay
me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before
I wake, remember to erase the tape.
A bubble
in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in
the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future....
A is for
academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone
right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril,
or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep
and he will return your call.
Already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after and
we tell each other everything.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave
it to Vanna White. Sorry.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality.
You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next
to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes
on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma
clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
well, what can I say?
Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me
pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin'
up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.]
Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for
you to REALLY leave your message.
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for
but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close
Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big
fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.
Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've
been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee
Hee Hee! Leave a message?
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a
little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like
this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your
unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently
busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave
your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will
contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak
freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.
Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a
change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers
and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really
think I was going to stick around this dump?
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep!
If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang
up.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang
up.
Heaven, God speaking...
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died
10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave
your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't
come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful
summer home on the French Riviera.
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO.
Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you.
Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage
with a vacuum cleaner.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call
me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying
to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone.
I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I
won't.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name
and number, I'll be right with you.
Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't
you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again,
I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after
the beep.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because
I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter,
so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release
would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at
the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have
been restored to their normal charges.
Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday
was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you
can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now.
Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff
around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop
for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything
cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call
me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying
to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone.
I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight
right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will
call you right back.
Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon.
We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave
a critique of one of our current works in progress.
BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air.
Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing
severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to
bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common
response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better
equipped to handle elephants.")
Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now. Please leave your
name and number unless of course you are a salesman or trying to solicit
money.
Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not come to the
phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message,
social security number, and credit card number and we will call you when
we're done shopping.
Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot reach the phone
right now, so please leave a message after the beep. (Then you find something
that makes a beeping sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds,
until they start talking, then make another beep, and do that over and
over.)
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for (your name),
your message will be answered to in the order in which it was received,
your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to
me.
Hello, you've reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End of the Universe.
Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep
your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times.
Enjoy your ride.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave
a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message
and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making changes in my
life so leave a message and if I don't call you back, you're probably
one of those changes. (BEEP)
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but
the phone is.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed.
I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to
do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave
your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate
that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets
are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you.
Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to
this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give
it to me when I return.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll
have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking
about it...
Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's not important.
(Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being here all day. (Pause) maybe
you could stay and talk. (Pause) please talk to me after the beep, please
talk to me after the beep ........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up and move on.
If not, I do have a life that is obviously being used so leave a message
and if I have time, ill try to squeeze you in.
Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send us enough
money this month so we are out robbing the liquor store. If this is the
police we are just napping.
hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007 agents if you get
this machine we are probably saving the world this tape will self destruct
in 5...4...3...2...1... (BEEP)
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just
swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the
bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)
Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If
this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's
it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at
the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party
and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope.
Yeah that's it.
Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never hurt anyone.
Can we talk after the beep?
Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend, leave a message,
if you are a creditor you can kiss my (beep)
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and
then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with dark sparkling
Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll
call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the
difference.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave
a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed your call...OUCH.
Leave your painful message after the beep.
Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out, 2 if you want
to apologize for something, 3 if you just called to say I am a princess,
and 4 if you are going to say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!)
Thanks
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar
too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call
you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic
membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim
Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for
a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for
a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the phone company
asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If
you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel
known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called for any other
reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest
shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably
won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're
bored.)
Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a
Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance to win one million
dollars if you can answer the following 1. What is your name? 2. What
is your phone number? 3. Why did you call this number?
Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message! Show me the message!
Hi, you know the drill.
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect
a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and
hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting
charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press
3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular
loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno,
bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes
I do. Bye.
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're
probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the
phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us
a message.
Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
well, what can I say?
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched
jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So
leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the
bag.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I'll get back
to you...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions.
Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave
your name and number, At the sound of the...
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one
of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I can't come to the phone now, so
if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at
the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're
listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice phone you
have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give
me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might
even play my beep for you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing
up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if
you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number,
and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department
of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number,
I'll call you back when I am...
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is
an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or
maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message,
and if it's reality, I will call you back.
I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us.
You're afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn't come here
to tell you how this is going to end, I came here to tell you how it’s
going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to
show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm going to show
them a world, without you. A world without rules and controls. Without
borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go
from there, is a choice I leave to you
I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the
most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or something,
please hold on till the record is broken. And I will call you back.
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone
right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at
home and it's safe to leave us a message.
If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now. Please leave your
name, number, D.O.B, address, social security number, age, height, weight,
how many children you have, what sex you are, your mother’s maiden
name, and the date and time when you called me. If you are still listening,
then whatever you have to say must be very important. Please leave a message
after the beep.
I'm gone.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave
a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not
take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you
might have to deal with me in person.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and
number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken
CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't
even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I take a message?
I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body
experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything
you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get
back.
I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how
this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing
box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
(Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts,
it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you
pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
is so much better & that’s why they're not here. All I can say
is leave me a
Just put on a recording of a busy signal.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that
*my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an
electrical engineer. I can do that.
let the machine get it.
like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed
to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back
to you as soon as possible.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed
to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back
to you as soon as possible .
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your
MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get
back to you pending credit approval. Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun
Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95
per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak, his
"Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the
beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite
color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 2.05. Counting down to
test: 5...4...3...2...1...
Rub-a-dub-dub, Just got in the tub, Rick is out playing; the kids are
misbehaving, and can't come to the phone.
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and
number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt,
please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it
on screen?
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next
week's National Enquirer.
Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now,
but if you leave your name...
Suicide Hotline...please hold.
Susan and I are not here right now. We're in the bathroom having some
fun. She likes it up and down and I like it back and forth. Leave a message
at the beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished brushing
our teeth. Thank you.
Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your
touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it
is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big
time phone system.
Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone
right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone,
please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able
to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone
number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here
right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the
tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember,
confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid,
graphic detail!
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt
not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt
not commit a bear... Dern...
Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy
at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone,
and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab
'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are
currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and
address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do
not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please
leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of
the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable
us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy
and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your
gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice
day.
Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you
leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole
return your call as soon as possible.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now,
so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly
about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the
following words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back
to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply,
and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.)
If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit
and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission:
To seek out your name and your telephone number.
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and
miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long
silence...) BEEP
This is 321-1234, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit
Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message
though.
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.
This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean,
do FOR you.
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number,
and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a
federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...
This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister
down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a
mess. I'll have to get back to you later.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
call.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's
word is "supercilious".
This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone,
sing "Vesti la Giubba" and "La Donna e Mobile."
This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network.
To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's
password is "baby booties."
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when.
Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections
and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a
message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
to get away from you!"
Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long
distance.)
voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're
not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate
you later.
We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake.
Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get
it eventually.
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work?
Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder
why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you
back and tell you what we got.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your
phone 90 degrees and try again.
Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and
I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells
good.
You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping
Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next
20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us,
and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for
listening to our show.
You have reached 555-1234. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties.
You know what to do.
You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale
in "as-is" condition. You can try to
leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we
don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.)
Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your
number and was able to match it with our list of important callers.
None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who
is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief
message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.
You have reached our secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all
out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April
O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza
recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back.
But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer
has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and
you can speak freely.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of
our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to
speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are
busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone
at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and
a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation
into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility.
We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave
your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as
soon as we can. And have a nice day.
You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy
now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you
as soon as possible.
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean,
You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand
by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will
assume incoming, non-urgent.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and
on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We
aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine
simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have
to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call
me...
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled
to leave your name, number, and a message.
You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did, we'd be here.
So leave a message at the tone, and we'll call u back, when your not home.
You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right
now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark
like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.
(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal
racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?
(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank
you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to
the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break
a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and
we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very
much.
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have
fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call
until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em,
but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a message.
Thanks a lot.
(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 555-3949. We are currently
unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats.
Please leave a message.
(French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions
still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your
continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please
leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries
to speak French to you, just say, "non".
(From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave message, I
call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner!
(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister.
You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers
and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name,
number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence
to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe
right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number
when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.
(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and
I'll get back to you.
(In British voice) Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might
be able to clear my schedule if you’d like to do something.... leave
me a pleasant message after the beep.
(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security
and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently
under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada.
To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your
name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made
now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank
you.
(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky,
soft female voice is best:) Hi...
You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure
you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever
way we can.
(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and
Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to
have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways,
leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not,
you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)
(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work
here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when
I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But
I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your
call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet"
theme...)
(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't
home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."
(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you
were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!)
the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back
to you as soon as we can.
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the
executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!
Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call
you back.
(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown
in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in
their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message,
any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.
(Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
(Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours,
IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want
to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill
Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and
expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you!
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal
Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll...
Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where
did you say you live?
(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about
to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless
you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS
PROPITII...
(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've
reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by
the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number,
and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.
(or)
(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 555-8783. Please
leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone...
There's still... Nobody home.")
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world
without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You
see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device...
You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You
now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!")
Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide.
(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information
Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying
to decide if it exists. Leave a message.
(Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of Delights.
We would be delighted if you would leave your name, number, and of course
a message that doesn't rub us the wrong way...
(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've
reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right
now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and
number, and we'll get back to you.
(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening.
I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up.
(Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should
know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return
your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not
free, we now have this word from our sponsor...
(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've
been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message,
and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.
(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the
Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected
in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If
you would like to leave a message... (To the tune of "Heartbreak
Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out
fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP
(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello,
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home, Leave
a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message,
You can reach us.
(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh...
(Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of...
erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you
right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh...
the uhhhhhh... BEEP.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.
If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6,
ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want
to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice,
spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.
(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets;
to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not
here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave
your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back.
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't
hear you! What?
(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential
hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your
name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the
Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align
properly.
(Woman, seductively:) Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely
when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (Interrupting:)
Oh come on Linda, give me the damn phone... (Ask them to leave a message.)
[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice] Don't you ever wonder
what life would be like? ...
[Deadpan voice] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible
and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
[Drunken voice] You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond
due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber,
we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
[In a bored voice] Heaven, God speaking...
[in a computer generated voice] Hello, there are no real people here to
answer the phone right now.
[in a computer generated voice] Leave your name, telephone number, and
a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this
stuff until the real people get back.
[Lots of phone pick-up noise] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to
steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number, I'll...
Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where
did you say you live?
[Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello, this is the
executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!
Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call
you back.
[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone
now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message,
and I'll get back to you.
[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage—my
shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed to leave
a MESSAGE? Darn....
[Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the final frontier.
[Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two-semester
mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. [Voice 3] To
boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
[Very fast] Hi, this is 555-5555. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.
If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6,
ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want
to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice,
spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.
[Voice 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [Voice 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I
can't do that.
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