Dumb
Read About All The Dumb Things That People Do |
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A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions: Tortoise Trophy To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule. Rubber Cushion To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together. Crimewatch Cup Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man." Silver star: To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number. Bronze star: To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side. British Cup To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment. Flying Cross To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place. Lazarus Laurel To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock. Silver Bullet To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him. Dumb Things: A man in Clifton, Colorado apparently got so caught up in his "Tomb Raider" computer game that he forgot he wasn't supposed to use a real gun. Sheriff's deputies confiscated Douglas Miller's shotgun after he fired it at his computer screen. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. A doctor in Nairobi successfully removed a bean lodged in a young girl's ear. According to the Daily Nation, when her parents told him they didn't have enough to pay his bill, the doctor "grabbed the child and forced the bean back into her ear..." Born loser? Blame your parents. Researchers in Wales now say that your bad luck may be more than, well, bad luck. Professor Peter McGuffin says you may be genetically programmed to lose. "Adverse life events," says the professor, "happen more frequently" to genetically unlucky people. A monk in Thailand is in big trouble with local authorities and betting shops after successfully predicting the winning lottery numbers -- 11 times in a row. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. Lost your virginity? Don't worry: you can get it back. Dutch surgeons are performing the operation on adolescent girls "who are no longer virgins but wish to appear so..." fortunately, the operation is easily reversed. Richard Stone of Cheddar, England somehow managed to get trapped when his own van rolled over him and pinned him to the ground. Stone cried out for help, but no one heard him -- no one except Sonny, a macaw parrot who lives nearby. When Sonny began to mimic the man's cries for help, two passers-by heard the parrot and freed Stone. Police officers in at least four states are in cyber-trouble after exchanging explicit email messages with a 17-year-old Illinois girl. Eight deputies in North Carolina alone have been disciplined. The teen's mother says the cops "took advantage of her daughter's innocent adventures," but an attorney for one suspended officer sees it differently. "This young woman," said Troy Spencer, "has made contact with a very vulnerable element of our society -- police officers..." Sick of the weather? Don't blame Al Nino. The Nipomo, California man is getting a little tired of strangers calling him up to complain. Just ask your mother: researchers in Minnesota have linked poor dental hygiene to heart disease, strokes, emphysema, and premature births. Scientists warn that the bacteria in your mouth can travel through your body, putting you at risk for chronic diseases. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy. Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system." A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars. A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. George Moscatello, 47, of Woodside, N.Y., was camping in a remote area of the Northwest Territories when he heard "some pitter-patter sounds" outside his tent. Thinking it might be wolves, he loaded his gun and activated an emergency locator signal that is supposed to be used only for air and sea emergencies. Authorities launched a search and rescue aircraft, whose mission cost $12,000. Moscatello, an inexperienced camper who had already burned part of his tent after a mishap with his propane heater, told rescuers he was investigating the legend of Bigfoot. The FBI announced it is looking for Enca Sandra Kay, 47, who had four husbands at the same time. Kay was born Eddie James Mundell and deserted from the Marine Corps nearly 30 years ago, according to FBI agent Tim Coakley, who said Mundell underwent a sex change operation two years later and changed his name. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, the spiritual leader of Israel's Shas political party, decreed that any woman who wears a wig to a synagogue is damned. "Both she and her wig will burn in hell," Yosef said. Yosef also told followers that, contrary to popular belief, it is permissible to pick one's nose on the Sabbath. A 25-year-old Argentine man pushed his 20-year-old wife out of an eighth-floor window after an argument, but her fall was broken when her legs became entangled in power lines below. A police spokesperson told the state-run Telam news agency that when the husband saw the woman dangling beneath him, he apparently tried to throw himself on top of her to finish her off. He missed, however, and fell to his death. Meanwhile, the woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved. Young women drive almost as aggressively as men, according to an Australian study that found female drivers below age 30 are only slightly less likely than young men to tail-gate, hurl abuse, shake their fists, blast their horns and cut in front of other drivers. An aggression index, compiled from a survey by the Australian Associated Motor Insurers Ltd., shows young women scored 31.77 points on a road rage "Richter" scale, compared with men's score of 32.63. Alan Hall, 48, ran into a woman he knew as Brenda at a gas station in Fairfield, Calif., and invited her back to his brother's house, where they had sex. Afterward the woman reportedly made a statement implying she wanted revenge for Hall's conviction in the 1983 murder of a friend of hers. Hall told police the woman then cut off his penis and fled. It was found eight hours later on his front lawn, but by then it was too late to reattach the organ. Police in Madison Township, Ohio, cited Kim Hansel, 37, for public indecency after someone complained she was mowing her lawn topless. She put bandages and leaves on her breasts and went back to mowing the lawn. Prosecutors dropped the indecency charge, but a judge fined Hansel $40 for disorderly conduct because she turned the riding mower around in the street after drinking. Members of the First Church of the Nazarene in Ironton, Ohio, held a record burning after evangelist Jim Brown told them that the song "A Horse is a Horse" - the theme song from the Mr. Ed show - contained satanic messages when played backwards. Pierre Beaumard, a French factory worker suffering from various obsessional fears and an inability to relate to others, decided to join a therapy group. Mr. Beaumard was encouraged to sandwich himself between two matresses, and allow other group members to walk on him to "stamp out his complexes." After several minutes of this treatment, Beaumard was crushed to death. In a related story, 9-year-old Derek Hume was run over by a 1 ton concrete roller. The boy escaped without a bruise, however, because the massive cylinder pressed him into the rain-soaked earth. Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations. French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost. Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. They unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. In our Likely Story department this week, the crew of a trawler that sank in the Sea of Japan claimed their ship went down after "being struck by a cow which fell out of the clear blue sky". According to Flying magazine, no one believed this absurd explanation-- except the Russian military. It seems that the crew of a military cargo jet had stolen a cow they found wandering on a Siberian airfield, and loaded it aboard. While cruising at 30,000 feet, the terrified cow ran amok and jumped out of the plane. Florida motorists are watching their rear-view mirrors this week after an appellate court ruled that rectal searches by police are legal. According to the Fifth District Court of Appeals, the removal of 54 grams of cocaine from a suspect's rectum by a member of the Orange County highway drug squad was "part of a legal patdown to make sure the man wasn't armed..." In Clearwater,
Florida, a 70-year-old man was killed while sunbathing in a lounge chair
at the beach, when a bulldozer ran over him. Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?" Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type i |