ADVERTISMENT

Dumb


Read About All The Dumb Things That People Do

 
If you think your day is bad day read this:

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.


In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.


Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.


Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.



The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for dubious distinctions:

Tortoise Trophy
To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.


Rubber Cushion
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.


Crimewatch Cup Gold star:
To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."


Silver star:
To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.


Bronze star:
To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.


British Cup
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment.


Flying Cross
To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.


Lazarus Laurel
To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.


Silver Bullet
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.


Dumb Things:

A man in Clifton, Colorado apparently got so caught up in his "Tomb Raider" computer game that he forgot he wasn't supposed to use a real gun. Sheriff's deputies confiscated Douglas Miller's shotgun after he fired it at his computer screen.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

A doctor in Nairobi successfully removed a bean lodged in a young girl's ear. According to the Daily Nation, when her parents told him they didn't have enough to pay his bill, the doctor "grabbed the child and forced the bean back into her ear..."

Born loser? Blame your parents. Researchers in Wales now say that your bad luck may be more than, well, bad luck. Professor Peter McGuffin says you may be genetically programmed to lose. "Adverse life events," says the professor, "happen more frequently" to genetically unlucky people.

A monk in Thailand is in big trouble with local authorities and betting shops after successfully predicting the winning lottery numbers -- 11 times in a row.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

Lost your virginity? Don't worry: you can get it back. Dutch surgeons are performing the operation on adolescent girls "who are no longer virgins but wish to appear so..." fortunately, the operation is easily reversed.

Richard Stone of Cheddar, England somehow managed to get trapped when his own van rolled over him and pinned him to the ground. Stone cried out for help, but no one heard him -- no one except Sonny, a macaw parrot who lives nearby. When Sonny began to mimic the man's cries for help, two passers-by heard the parrot and freed Stone.

Police officers in at least four states are in cyber-trouble after exchanging explicit email messages with a 17-year-old Illinois girl. Eight deputies in North Carolina alone have been disciplined. The teen's mother says the cops "took advantage of her daughter's innocent adventures," but an attorney for one suspended officer sees it differently. "This young woman," said Troy Spencer, "has made contact with a very vulnerable element of our society -- police officers..."

Sick of the weather? Don't blame Al Nino. The Nipomo, California man is getting a little tired of strangers calling him up to complain.

Just ask your mother: researchers in Minnesota have linked poor dental hygiene to heart disease, strokes, emphysema, and premature births. Scientists warn that the bacteria in your mouth can travel through your body, putting you at risk for chronic diseases.

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

George Moscatello, 47, of Woodside, N.Y., was camping in a remote area of the Northwest Territories when he heard "some pitter-patter sounds" outside his tent. Thinking it might be wolves, he loaded his gun and activated an emergency locator signal that is supposed to be used only for air and sea emergencies. Authorities launched a search and rescue aircraft, whose mission cost $12,000. Moscatello, an inexperienced camper who had already burned part of his tent after a mishap with his propane heater, told rescuers he was investigating the legend of Bigfoot.

The FBI announced it is looking for Enca Sandra Kay, 47, who had four husbands at the same time. Kay was born Eddie James Mundell and deserted from the Marine Corps nearly 30 years ago, according to FBI agent Tim Coakley, who said Mundell underwent a sex change operation two years later and changed his name.

Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, the spiritual leader of Israel's Shas political party, decreed that any woman who wears a wig to a synagogue is damned. "Both she and her wig will burn in hell," Yosef said. Yosef also told followers that, contrary to popular belief, it is permissible to pick one's nose on the Sabbath.

A 25-year-old Argentine man pushed his 20-year-old wife out of an eighth-floor window after an argument, but her fall was broken when her legs became entangled in power lines below. A police spokesperson told the state-run Telam news agency that when the husband saw the woman dangling beneath him, he apparently tried to throw himself on top of her to finish her off. He missed, however, and fell to his death. Meanwhile, the woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.

Young women drive almost as aggressively as men, according to an Australian study that found female drivers below age 30 are only slightly less likely than young men to tail-gate, hurl abuse, shake their fists, blast their horns and cut in front of other drivers. An aggression index, compiled from a survey by the Australian Associated Motor Insurers Ltd., shows young women scored 31.77 points on a road rage "Richter" scale, compared with men's score of 32.63.

Alan Hall, 48, ran into a woman he knew as Brenda at a gas station in Fairfield, Calif., and invited her back to his brother's house, where they had sex. Afterward the woman reportedly made a statement implying she wanted revenge for Hall's conviction in the 1983 murder of a friend of hers. Hall told police the woman then cut off his penis and fled. It was found eight hours later on his front lawn, but by then it was too late to reattach the organ.

Police in Madison Township, Ohio, cited Kim Hansel, 37, for public indecency after someone complained she was mowing her lawn topless. She put bandages and leaves on her breasts and went back to mowing the lawn. Prosecutors dropped the indecency charge, but a judge fined Hansel $40 for disorderly conduct because she turned the riding mower around in the street after drinking.

Members of the First Church of the Nazarene in Ironton, Ohio, held a record burning after evangelist Jim Brown told them that the song "A Horse is a Horse" - the theme song from the Mr. Ed show - contained satanic messages when played backwards.

Pierre Beaumard, a French factory worker suffering from various obsessional fears and an inability to relate to others, decided to join a therapy group. Mr. Beaumard was encouraged to sandwich himself between two matresses, and allow other group members to walk on him to "stamp out his complexes." After several minutes of this treatment, Beaumard was crushed to death.

In a related story, 9-year-old Derek Hume was run over by a 1 ton concrete roller. The boy escaped without a bruise, however, because the massive cylinder pressed him into the rain-soaked earth.

Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations.

French farmer Michael LeMond shot himself in the foot when he opened fire on what he thought was a ghost.

Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. They unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes.

In our Likely Story department this week, the crew of a trawler that sank in the Sea of Japan claimed their ship went down after "being struck by a cow which fell out of the clear blue sky". According to Flying magazine, no one believed this absurd explanation-- except the Russian military. It seems that the crew of a military cargo jet had stolen a cow they found wandering on a Siberian airfield, and loaded it aboard. While cruising at 30,000 feet, the terrified cow ran amok and jumped out of the plane.

Florida motorists are watching their rear-view mirrors this week after an appellate court ruled that rectal searches by police are legal. According to the Fifth District Court of Appeals, the removal of 54 grams of cocaine from a suspect's rectum by a member of the Orange County highway drug squad was "part of a legal patdown to make sure the man wasn't armed..."

In Clearwater, Florida, a 70-year-old man was killed while sunbathing in a lounge chair at the beach, when a bulldozer ran over him.


Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports) and from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

A gross ignoramus = 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
A room temperature IQ.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One neuron short of a synapse.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.


Stupidity:

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks that had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. One day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. Hestepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car."
"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folk climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the rest of the story together... The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.

My sister is a very intelligent woman when it comes to "book smarts," but a little naive in the ways of the real world. She used to work as a waitress, which I won't knock, because it IS a hard job. But when the cooks told her to go to the basement (restaurant had no basement) to get the dehydrated water, she searched for the basement entrance for an hour before realizing she'd been the butt of a joke. Another time, one of the salad girls had been busy, so my sister decided to make the salad herself. Just as she was carrying it to the customer, the salad girl grabbed her and said "what are you doing?" My sister said "well, she asked for the dressing on the side." You guessed it- she had put a little salad in the middle of the plate and poured dressing around the edges!

I was on my way to work early one morning. Having stayed up late with friends at a club, I wasn't feeling too hot! I decided to get some coffee from McDonald's and pulled into the drive through. I sat behind a car for a long time before I had noticed it had its window shade up! As I patiently continued to wait, I began to wonder how on earth this person was able to drive with this shade on. It was quite some time before I realized I had pulled up behind a parked car!

One day I was working in the office at my college. I was asked to phone a list of 20 students and tell them that their exam for that Friday had been cancelled. So after I got to about the 10th person I realized that this was one of my classes. I went to lectures during the week and on Friday went to take my exam. But I saw no-one from my class there. Confused, I went to the office to find out what was going on, only to be told that the exam had been cancelled. The sweet little old receptionist told me that a young girl who sometimes worked in the office had phoned everyone. Perhaps, thought the little old lady, the girl who helped out had tried to reach me but hadn't gotten through. I felt so stupid since I was the one who phoned everyone. One of my prouder blonde moments.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "Why on earth are blind people driving?"

At a sad good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

One time I went to Taco Bell, and the front window of our car was broken so my mom made me order the food from the back seat. I ordered just fine, then the lady asked if I wanted any sauce. I said, "Just ketchup please." Oh Man! She looked at me so funny. THAT was embarrassing.

I have a friend who's really stupid. Over the summer I dyed my hair red and I didn't tell anyone about it. So one day, she phoned me to go do something, and when I saw her she said, "Oh, you dyed your hair!'" Then she asked me what colour.

I have a friend, Brandy, who was told if you gargle paroxide it will make your teeth whiter. When she did it her gums also turned white. Being the bright blonde that she is, she panicked and ate a piece of red candy to turn her gums back pink. Needless to say her newly whitened teeth were also red.

During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is made by taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build the DNA. ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the enzymes from the carrot help to build strands of DNA." And this girl in the front row asks without a hitch "So then is DNA made of carrots?"

One time I was playing around in the kitchen when I decided it would be a good a idea to try and scare my dog with our black and decker dough mixer. So I put it on turbo speed and aimed it at the dog who started to run away. To prove to the dog that it was harmless I attempted to stop the blades with my hand. My fingers got bent back to my wrist before the mixer gave up and I had to turn it off and run it back manually to pull my fingers out.

I went to Sixflags one time, and while going in, I noticed a hotdog stand! Instead of looking where I was going, I kept my head trained onto the stand in the hopes that my mom would buy me one. Because she didn't notice me, I decided to say "Mmmmmm, hotdogs" just like Homer Simpson would, but right after I said this, I crashed into the knee high brick wall. After falling over into the garden on the other side of the wall, I yelled out, "Owwwwww, my knees!" Everyone heard this and stared at me. Anyway, I hurt my knees and I didn't even get a hotdog.

My friend Pico, Jamal and I were riding in Pico's new Ford Explorer. We were on the interstate driving about seventy MPH. Pico's truck sounded funny. Jamal said, "Hey, is your truck OK?" Pico looked at the dash and saw that the automatic gear shift was in 2nd gear. Pico asks, "Hey, it's in '2.' I should pull over at the next exit then shift back to 'D' right?" Jamal and I beat Pico with our hats and I reached over and shifted the selector back to "D."

I hate to tell on myself but.... One night, I was in a friend's 3rd story apartment. We were grilling food on the apartment balcony. We were smart enough to realize that this wasn't a safe action. We decided to go to the park to grill. I had to run to the toilet. After I wrapped up the business, I went and found that my friends were all in the truck ready to go. I decided to jump off of the balcony to get to the car quicker. I fell 3 stories and hit the concrete...a perrrfect cat-like landing on 2 feet. Too bad I broke my ankle and my leg. They rushed me to the hospital. I got fixed up with a cast and pain killers :). We returned to the park. I was on crutches and had to lay on my back and keep my leg elevated. They all teased me well into the night. After the party ended, everyone packed to leave. Everybody said BYE!! One of my friends yelled HEY MOE! We have to do this again sometime!! Yeah right.......

My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well, one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."

I work in a convenience store. A while ago, a woman came in, grabbed a bottle of soda and a candy bar, and came up to the counter. "That'll be $1.65," I told her. She looked at me kind of strangely for a moment, then picked up the soda and asked, "How much is this?" "A dollar," I said. Then she picked up the candy bar. "And how much is this?" she asked.

I broke my knee and was out of lacrosse for the season. Well the day after one of the games a friend of mine who is on the team walked up to me and asked, "Hey, how many goals did you have yesterday?"

I had an ex-girlfriend who was stupid. One day her stupid things were getting on my nerves and I asked her what her I.Q. was. She responded "20/20"!

I know someone who lives right down the street. One day she was walking along and struck up a conversation with my Mom. I had nothing to do and was overhearing it. The topic went to dogs. Then she said, "You know, there is this really strange thing that happens every time I drive to school. I pass this street and there is this dead dog. And once I get out of school and pass the street again, someone moved the dog. It's really weird! Every day someone moves this dead dog back and forth!" So, one day, we drove down that street to get to the supermarket, and remembering that conversation looked down the street and saw the dog laying there. The dog wasn't dead, it was sleeping!

My family were on a road trip with our caravan, when one of the wheels fell off. We happened to lose a couple of the nuts before putting it back on, so we stopped at the next service station to try and get some replacements. My father asked the attendant if they had any wheel nuts and she thought for a bit and replied, "No, but we have Nobby's Nuts."

After purchasing our house, my wife and I decided to rip up most of the carpeting in the living room and put down a tile floor. While relating this story to my boss I said, "...it was a long job. There was 300 square feet of floor to cover with 12 inch by 12 inch tiles." He then asked me, "Really! How many tiles did you use?"

My friend Rachel announced she was going to bleach her hair in the summer. My friend Tracey asked, "What color?"

We were listening to a story about my friend's next door neighbor who went to Germany and had a one night stand with a German bloke. When her husband found out they divorced. Tracey suddenly shouted "Oh! Just think! The baby will come out speaking German!"

In one of my high school classes we were going to have a mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"

I worked at a gift store just across a small open area from the world famous Space Needle here in Seattle. Two questions from tourists that never failed to amaze and amuse me were, "Where is the Space Needle?" (Honestly, it only looms 610 feet above your head at this very moment.) and "Is this where I get tickets to the Space Needle?" (No, you get them AT the Space Needle. I was tempted sometimes to send them to some remote corner of the Seattle Center in effort to obtain them. Shame on me.)

My mom took out her old wedding album and built into the binding was a small music box that you had to wind up. Well, over the years a piece had fallen off the winding mechanism but mom had discovered if you put a dime in the slot to turn it, it still worked fine. So we're reading it and my niece (honor student, governor's school, etc.) comes over. My sister says, "Here, this part plays music. Do you have a dime on you?" And my niece says "Do you have to PAY?"

I had just punched in at my place of employment and was putting my things away, when the coworker I take over for came up to me and said, "I can't get the lint thingy back in the dryer right. I think I broke it." I went to see what the problem was. I found that HE, yes it was a male, had put the lint filter in backwards. As I took it back out and proceeded to put it in correctly, he stopped me and said, "Wait, I forgot to put this back in." I turned to see what he was talking about and in his hand was a big wad of lint.

My aunts were driving somewhere one day, and they stopped at a tollbooth. While they were sitting there they saw a part of someone's car rolling down the street, and started laughing. Then they realized that it was a part of their car.

My friend was driving me home from school one day. On the way home I saw a car that looked exactly like my mom's parked on the side of the road. I started laughing at it, and making fun of it because the tires had all busted and there was nothing left but the rim. When I got home she called to tell me that she wouldn't be home for a few hours because the wheels on her car had gotten messed up. I felt so stupid because I had been making fun of my mom's car.

After spending the afternoon snorkeling in St. Croix, I was standing near the dive shop when I overheard the following conversation between 2 middle-aged American ladies. They were watching a bare-footed man trudging (on hot gravel) with an empty scuba air-tank on his back. He was hunched over and grimacing. I presumed his posture and expression was due to the hot gravel on his bare feet. But apparently the ladies didn't see it that way. Lady1: My, those tanks must be awfully heavy! Look how he's walking! Lady2: Oh? Do you suppose that tank is all that heavy? Lady1: Well, I don't know if it's empty or not, but I heard someone say that those things can hold 70 lbs. of air! Lady2: Well that's hard to believe. Looks like they'd drown if they were all that heavy. How can they swim w/ all that weight? Lady1: Oh that's because it's weightless in water. You know everything is much lighter in water. Lady2: I suppose so. You're so smart about these things!

My wife was very excited upon hearing the 1996 Olympics would be held in Atlanta, Ga. Before she began planning the events she wanted to see, she asked me, "Will it be the winter or summer games?"

This is an actual conversation that took place in my educational psychology class (mind you everyone in this class is training to be a teacher). We were learning about the best way to teach kids concepts and the Prof. was using the word "bird." He asked us what characteristics made a bird different from other animals. Obviously people said "feathers, lays eggs, etc." One person said the beak made them different. The prof. asked the class if we all agreed that all birds had to have a beak. Everyone said, "YES" then from the back of the room this girl said "What about ducks? They don't have a beak. They have a bill." The prof. asked, "Aren't a beak and a bill the same thing?" She said "No a beak is used for pecking and a bill is used to sift things." Another student then said, "We know a duck is a bird. It is a biological fact." She replied, "Look, I don't know the biological reasons for it, but I am saying that a duck isn't a bird because it has a bill." The whole class sat there in amazement. Just think SHE could be teaching YOUR kids someday.

To prove just how smart the people who work for McDonalds are I told my brother that I would order a cheeseburger without cheese to find out what the guy would say. He did just what I thought he would do, he called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese instead of handing me a burger off the warmer. The guy working the grill didn't catch on either, because he wrapped it in a special wrapper instead of suggesting that he give me a regular hamburger.

Back in high school, I had THE stupidest music teacher. I was a brunette, but over Christmas vacation, I dyed my hair red. When I came back to his class after the vacation, he stared at me long and hard, then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you, only she had brown hair."

Once my aunt had a terrible headache so she took an aspirin and soon felt better. Later that day she was looking for a button that had fallen off her blouse. She didn't find the button but she found an aspirin in her pocket!

I love telling this story because it is about my ex girlfriend. I was at her house for Easter. Her mother was making some cookies. They were "slice and bake" with little rabbits on them. My girlfriend said with an amazed look "Wow the little bunnies go through to the other side" ...(hence, slice and bake cookies)

Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I saw a sign that read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both pre-adolescents, wondered how did the bar-goers keep from getting wet when it rains. The thought occupied my mind for years until someone finally told me what a topless bar was!

I was 18 and in the Air Force, and had just bought my first car. It was at Fairchild AFB, near Spokane, Washington, and the car was a 1955 Oldsmobile. I had paid $50.00 for it. My buddy and I decided to take it for a drive over to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Nearing the city, we heard a "chop...chop...chop" sound. We parked at a restaurant and shut the car off. Went inside to eat, and then returned to the car. The car would not start. I raised the hood, and my buddy and I, (both of us REALY STUPID!) just stood there looking at the engine, not knowing a thing about cars. A man came up to see if we needed help. He told us that my battery was gone. Apparently, it was not tied or bolted down and it fell into my fan blades. Well, this man put his battery in my car to get it started and then took it out. He told us that when we get back to Spokane, to go buy a battery. Well, we drove all the way back to Spokane, and stopped in a gas station and bought a battery, ($19.95 in 1971). Well, we put that battery in, and as we went around the cloverleaf onramp to get back on the freeway, we heard, "chop..chop..chop."

I drive a city bus for a living. Bus drivers rule is once the door is closed and the bus is moving do not open the door. One night about 10pm I pull into a stop, pick up the people and proceed to pull out. All of a sudden out of the side mirror I see a person running toward the now moving bus. I stopped at a traffic light, the person caught up and passed the bus and ran 2 blocks to the next stop. I pull into the stop and open the door. The person looks up, puts one foot up on the steps, panting out of breath and says to me as he pulls a cigarette, "EXCUSE ME BUT DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT"

One day I took out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum my rugs and saw the bag inside was full. I went to get a new bag and saw I was out of the bags. I decided instead to put a plastic garbage bag into the vacuum cleaner. Being this vacuum cleaner was an upright it was an easy thing to do. When I turned on the vacuum cleaner imagine my surprise when the 30 gallon garbage bag blew up like a huge balloon and my vacuum cleaner danced across the living room rug.

One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"

My old roommate had a burned out turn indicator. After telling him about it, he asked, "Do you think it needs more blinker fluid?"

I was with my sister in a restaurant in Ocean City and I was walking to the table. When I glanced to my side I thought that I saw someone with the same shirt on as me, and since I only got a quick glance, I looked the other way and said to my sister, "Hey that girl has my shirt." She replied, "Ummmm, I think that is a mirror..."

One day my sister, mother and I were all in the kitchen. My mother began to make dinner when my sister asked if she wanted some help. My mother of course said; "Yes, you can help by getting the ingredients out." My sister began to get all the ingredients out when my mother asked, "What are the olives for?" My sister replied, "We need olive oil."

Back in my high school days, I had just barely got my new pair of contact lenses. I came home really late from somewhere one night and went to take out my contacts and put them to soak. I didn't bother to turn on the lights. The optical had given me some small sample bottles of lens cleaner and I went to reach for this and put my lenses to soak. It wasn't until the next morning when I put my lenses in that I discovered my mistake. I had grabbed a bottle of Murine eye drops instead of the cleaning solution, and had dyed my contact lenses yellow! Except for the faint yellow tint, I could still see out of them just fine and wore them for 2 weeks until my replacement lenses arrived. Now think about this; my eyes are bright blue. Yellow contact lenses mixed with blue eyes produce the most "glow in the dark", bright GREEN cat eyes that you ever saw! I'd be sitting in class and the teacher would look at me, then look again! When I called different opticals and explained the problem, asking what could be done, nobody believed me. They all were laughing their heads off and a few of them said "no way!" and hung up on me.

A friend and I were house sitting for my dad while he was on vacation. One morning I went to fix breakfast and made pancakes. My friend had just poured syrup all over his pancakes and took several bytes. I asked him how they were and he said, "These are really good!"I sat down to eat, grabbed the syrup bottle and poured some over my pancakes. I took one byte and about gagged and said, "Yuck! These taste horrible!" "Hmm? They taste ok to me.." I grabbed the syrup bottle and looked at the label. In very small writing, my dad had scribbled "vegetable oil" on the bottle. What kind of moron dumps his used cooking oil into a syrup bottle and puts in back in the cupboard with all the other syrup bottles?

I live in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada and I'm 14 years old. The tourists here can get so stupid because they always ask me what time they turn off the falls. I usually reply back, trying to sound like an idiot too 'about the same time they roll up the side walks. And they look at ME weird!

One day some friends and I went out to get some fruit at a curbside stand. There is a big sign selling plums 4 for a dollar. My buddy picks one up, looks at it and asks the guy, "How much for one?"

My friend Emily and I went to K-Mart. We were walking to the restrooms. I found a motorized cart. I hopped on cart. We went to the undergarments (after the restroom). Next thing I know the wheel on the cart got stuck on a bra rack. Next thing I know bra's are all over me, the cart and the floor. I stood up in shock and did not realize that there were people standing there. Emily shouts out "It's a miracle, you can walk."

My ex-wife once called me at a bar and asked, "Where are you?"

I was working in a large Western National Park and a woman who was a notorious chain smoker came out of her office and lit up a cigarette. I said, "What are you up to?." She took a long drag off of her cigarette and with smoke coming out of her mouth and nose said, "I just came out for a little fresh air"!

I went to McDonalds's the other day, and ordered a cheeseburger with ketchup only, meaning bread, meat, cheese, and ketchup. When I pulled away from the window, I checked the burger to make sure it didn't have anything but ketchup, and there was no cheese on it! I drove around and said to the guy at the window "This doesn't have any cheese."He said "Right, you ordered it with ketchup only."

I was at sleep away camp and there was a really bad storm. Eventually we lost power and most of my friends went scrambling for our flashlights. My best friend at camp (sadly), shouted, "Oh no! Since we don't have electricity our flashlights won't work!" It took awhile, but we managed to explain to her that flashlights run on batteries. I'm still not sure she gets it, but someday she'll understand.

I worked the night shift at a restaurant and every Friday night the same 5 deaf men would come to eat. They usually came very late and often stayed passed closing time. One night when they had stayed well passed closing time, I asked my boss if he could please give them some kind of sign that we would like to close the restaurant so they would leave. He reached up and shut off the music.

One time, when my sister and I lived together in University, we were doing the dishes the following day after a huge party. Someone had put a cigarette out right in the middle of a dish of dip of some kind, and I tried to gross my sister out by pretending to eat it. This led to a gross-out challenge, where each of us threatened to put something unspeakable into our mouths. But, alas, fun turned to tragedy when my sister took the bottle of dish detergent and squirted some into her mouth. She started gagging and choking and...BUBBLES CAME OUT HER NOSE!

Did you know that if you throw coffee mate up in the air and then light it its like a whoooshhhhhh torch? The ceiling got a permanent black mark on it.

Trying to plug a lamp into a socket I couldn't see by feeling around

Trying to rescue half a cork in a bottle neck by knocking it down into the wine (red wine stains on ceiling still)

Wondering whether the greenish gas at the bottom of a test tube really was pure chlorine, and using my nose to find out

One time I managed a feat of sustained absent-mindedness that tops anything else I've ever heard.
I used to be in a medievalist group, and practised with sword and shield. SCA was fun. When you didn't have any armour, you'd do this slow-motion thing we called "slow-work" so that nobody got creamed. But anyhoo, one evening I was at a practice and had been taking a break. So I wanted to have another bout, and looked around for my shield. Couldn't find it. Started asking my friends, "Have you seen my shield? It's a round, about yay wide (indicating with hands apart), has to be lying around here somewhere because I was just using it."
It took ten minutes or more before my friends were able to believe I could be talking--and gesturing--about the shield *on my arm*!!! and gently pointed this out.
I mean, I've known people to not realize they were wearing their glasses. But you can't see glasses, and they are quite light. There I was, gesturing with a ten pound shield on my arm and never noticing it for ten minutes! I still find it hard to believe. If they hadn't told me, who knows how long I might have kept it up?

So I'm visiting my new girlfriend's (now my long-term partner) mother on the farm out in Saskatchewan, and one night I'm going to the bathroom, and while I'm sitting there, I notice this little cannister on the shelf in front of me. "Hmm, looks like a bottle of pepper spray", I think. Curious about the stuff, I give it a little spritz into the wastebasket.
Anyone who's experienced this will know that it is quite a bit more intense than I was anticipating. The entire room immediately became uninhabitable. I ended up bolting from the bathroom, desperately pulling my pants up and choking on the fumes. Luckily, nobody was around to witness this, but I did have to go find them to tell them what happened and that they couldn't use the toilet until it dispersed


DUMB THINGS PEOPLE SAID or DID DURING A JOB INTERVIEW...
(reported by Human Resource personnel):


A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.


Dumb Things People Say:

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,” –Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I wouldn’t live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,” –Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” ? A congressional candidate in Texas.

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” –John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”–Al Gore, Vice President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” –Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,” –Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,” -Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”–Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” –Bill Clinton, President

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” –Al Gore, VP

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services,Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman.


Dumb Newspaper Headlines:

Air Head Fired
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Blind woman gets new kidney from daughter she hasn't seen in years
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Childs stool great for use in garden
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Deer Kill 17,000
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Eye drops off shelf
Farmer Bill dies in house
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Lung cancer in women mushrooms
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Man is fatally slain
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Miners refuse to work after death
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Police found safe hidden under bed
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Stud Tires Out
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
War Dims Hope for Peace
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub -- $850/Offer
Amana Washer $100. Owned By Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed
Snow Blower For Sale...Only Used On Snowy Days
Free Puppies...Part German Shepherd/Part Dog
2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, Pair: $15
Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box, Comes With It's Own 1988 Mustang, 5l, Auto, Excellent Condition $6800
Cows, Calves Never Bred... Also 1 Gay Bull For Sale
'83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2000
Star Wars Job Of The Hut -- $15
Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 Years Old. Unpleasant Little Dog
Soft & Genital Bath Tissues Or Facial Tissue - 89 Cents
German Shephard. 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
Full Sized Mattress. 20 Yr Warranty. Like New. Slight Urine Smell
Free 1 Can Of Pork & Beans With Purchase Of 3 Br 2 Bth Home
For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
Nordic Track $300 - Hardly Used - Call Chubbie
Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We Haul American Made Products"
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
Found: Dirty White Dog...Looks Like A Rat...Been Out Awhile...Better Be Reward
Hummels - Largest Selection Ever - "If It's In Stock, We Have It!"
Get A Little John: The Traveling Urinal - Holds 2 1/2 Bottles Of Beer
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 Cents Lb.
Nice Parachute - Never Opened - Used Once - Slightly Stained
Free: Farm Kittens. Ready To Eat
American Flag - 60 Stars - Pole Included - $100
Tired Of Working For Only $9.75 Per Hour? We Offer Profit Sharing And Flexible Hours. Starting Pay: $7 - $9 Per Hour
Notice: To Person Or Persons Who Took The Large Pumpkin On Highway 87 Near Southridge Storage. Please Return The Pumpkin And Be Checked. Pumpkin May Be Radioactive. All Other Plants In Vicinity Are Dead
Exercise Equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Spring -$175
Our Sofa Seats The Whole Mob - And It's Made Of 100% Italian Leather
Joining Nudist Colony, Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300
Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember
Ground Beast: 99 Cents Lb.
Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell
Open House - Body Shapers Toning Salon - Free Coffee & Donuts
Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 Box
Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 Lb.



British News Bits
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:


Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

From The Times:
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

From The Gloucester Citizen:
A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."


(From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine)
Resume blunders:


"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job"
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."


Excerpts From Letters Sent To Landlords:

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is clear.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Here are some actual (alleged) logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident:

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution or action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Colonoscopy humor: A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.


1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do
the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is
not, in fact, up there?"


Real Crimes Committed By Dumb Criminals:

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on a West Virginia railroad track. A while later, something woke him-- a 15 car coal train. "I raised up," said Stewart, "and it knocked me out..."

An Australian man accused of murdering his wife can't seem to get his story straight. June Mathew, John Rushton's second wife, testified that Rushton told her his first wife died of a heart attack, ran off with a Baptist minister after committing 55 acts of adultery, and drowned after being washed overboard. Rushton also claimed he was a nuclear physicist, a naval commander, and had been knighted for saving the Queen's life. Mathew, who was married to Rushton for five years, believed him because he was a "good talker..." but those pesky microtremors finally gave him away...

An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar...

An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window but his plan to kill her failed when she became entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she was still alive, the man jumped and tried to land on top of her. He missed...

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Baggy clothes may save your life: a 13-year-old boy in Belgrade, Yugoslavia fell 130 feet from his hi-rise apartment and survived with only minor injuries. Witnesses said Daniel Gurgus' baggy sweater caught tree branches on the way down... remember, kids, just say no to Spandex...

Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe using a Laser Tag gun.

Carlos Diaz of New York got 18 years to life for committing a series of robberies by pretending a zucchini hidden under his jacket was a gun...

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." (Editor's Note 2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto, but she probably made a friend for life while trying to ...)

In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of _Success_ magazine. They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just some kind of tradition," said one. Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor reasoning and comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to complete work in the time allotted.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape.

Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in prison for filing a false police report...next time, a little higher and to the left...

Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard dogs, a stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer, after having failed to correctly identify the valuable cattle on the premises.

San Antonio, Texas: 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, 89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber pistol that hadn't been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... it was either that or throw themselves out the first floor window...

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

The police showed up at the victim's house after receiving a call of a break in while the man was away at work. The house was in a nice upper-middle class neighborhood. The police walked around to the side of the house with the victim, where they were shown the pried open sliding glass patio door. Clearly the entrance for the criminal. When asked if anything in the house was missing the man said nothing except his stash of marijuana. Police, not believing what they had just heard asked the man to repeat himself. The man, realizing that he had just admitted to possessing an illegal drug stammered and finally said, "oh forget the whole thing." He waved the police off and went back into his house. The police walked away laughing.

The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. "And ma'am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?" Yes sir, the witness answered. "And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?" Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly.

Times of London: A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

When James Nagel tried to abduct a Los Angeles woman, someone tipped off police. Nagel led officers on a "low speed chase" for 30 minutes, then tried to get away on foot. He shot at police several times, but missed. Nagel then climbed a utility pole and threatened to kill himself. Police tried to talk him down, then shot him with ten rounds of plastic bullets. Nagel finally surrendered after being sprayed for five minutes with a high-powered water hose, but not before accidentally shooting himself in the forehead...

William deLashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was stopped at a police checkpoint with a car license plate, registration, title and driver's license issued by "the Kingdom of Heaven...".

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

Costa Mesa, California: A man allegedly robbed taxi driver James Hooper with a large caliber handgun, then tried to escape on foot. One foot, to be exact. Police say Timothy Lambert's gun accidentally discharged, shooting his own foot. Officers followed a trail of bloody prints a short distance before arresting Lambert.

Great Falls, Montana: When Raymond Lutz of was stopped for going 104 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone, he had a darn good reason. Lutz told Sheriff John Strandell that "he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off..."

Germany: A German toolmaker has been arrested for extortion after threatening auto maker Daimler-Benz. The unnamed man had demanded a helicopter and millions of German marks, or he would "kill drivers of Mercedes cars...".

Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania state police have refused to return the "water bong" they seized from Timothy Martin during a traffic stop on Interstate 80. Martin told police the bong was "an heirloom," and that he wanted it back.

Reno, Nevada: A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker.

Oakland, California: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up.

Illinois: An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


Topeka, Kansas: A man walked in to a Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Medford, Oregon: A 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

Los Angeles, California: Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Virginia Beach: A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."

Modesto, CA: Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

New York: Richard Avella, a 350 pound New York man, entered a Long Island jewelry store, drew a gun, and told the clerk, "This is a stick-up," then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrived.

Long Beach, California: When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked.

Crystal, Kentucky: Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do..."

Toronto, Canada: A gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see.

Sacramento, California: Francis Karnes, a 39-year-old man was charged with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower when it wouldn't start.


California: A 37-year-old California man reported to police that an intruder dressed in black and carrying a big knife broke into his home, forced him to smoke two packs of Pall Mall Golds, then left.

Miami Beach, Florida: Our Nice Try Award this week goes to the Miami Beach attorney who entered a 'not guilty' plea for his client based on astrological forces. The lawyer maintained that the position of the stars at the time of his client's birth caused him to break into a couple's home, tie them up and threaten them, and walk out with a brassiere on his head.

Netherlands: An airline pilot has been sentenced to four months in jail. Wim de Nijs was convicted of jamming the air traffic control frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the "Flintstones" theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane.

Levelland, Texas: E.C. Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the District Attorney recommended last week that his bail be set at "a zillion dollars". The judge agreed.

Wichita, Kansas: Police arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

(Location Unknown): A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.

(Location Unknown): A criminal who broke into a couple's house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police.

Providence, Rhode Island: David Posman, 33, was arrested in Providence, Rhode Island, after knocking out an armored car driver and stealing four bags of money. Each bag contained $800 dollars. However, the bags weighed thirty pounds each since they all contained pennies. The hefty bags slowed the fleeting criminal to a sluggish stagger. Police easily ran down and arrested the suspect.

Washington D.C.: A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Radnor, Pennsylvania: Police interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Ionia, Michigan: When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Some criminals are not too bright and here's one to prove that: (at the time of booking)
Officer: What is your D.O.B.?
Criminal: What's a D.O.B., man?
Officer: When's your birthday?
Criminal: May 5th
Officer: What year?
Criminal: Every year, man.

Click here to tell a friend about this site.