Bureau of Very Slow News

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A newsroom in a panic about the Moon drifting away and Andromeda closing in. Every figure ticks live from real physics. Check back in an epoch for the follow-up.

What it is

The Bureau of Very Slow News is a newspaper front page in a panic about events that will take billions of years. The Moon is leaving. A galaxy is heading this way. The Atlantic is widening, Everest is rising, the Sun is shedding millions of metric tons a second and the Earth's core is freezing. Every story has a live counter of how far it has got since you opened the page, ticking in real units from real physics.

How to play

Read the bulletins. There are nine desks, each with a breaking headline, a counter, a one-line fact and a deadpan paragraph in the voice of a newsroom that has confused urgency with importance. The counters run from your device clock and published physical constants, the site says, with no server behind them, so the Moon really has receded a few nanometers while you read this sentence. Check back in an epoch for the follow-up.

What makes it different

It plays two clocks against each other: the minute-by-minute rhythm of breaking news and the timescales of astronomy and geology. The headlines are real phenomena, the rates are real, and the joke is entirely in the tone: nine desks filing urgent updates on events that will take billions of years. Alongside the joke there is a steady drip of real science about how slowly the universe moves.

Why it is on Bored

A news page whose stories cannot resolve in your lifetime is the most patient kind of useless there is. It runs with no download and no account, carries two small ad slots and lists its sources. Part of a wider blog about boring websites, which is also worth a look.

Tips

  • Leave it open and come back, the counters have moved
  • Read the one-line facts, they are the real content
  • The Motion Desk is the one that makes people sit up
  • Check the sources line before arguing with anyone

FAQ

Is The Bureau of Very Slow News free?

Yes. It is free in the browser with no account. There are two ad slots on the page.

Does it work on a phone?

Yes. It is a page of text and counters and reads fine on any screen.

Does it end?

No. The counters run for as long as the tab is open, and the stories run for billions of years.

Are the numbers real?

The rates are real, from published constants. The site says they are approximate and extrapolated in a straight line.

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Tags

00:00Warming up
0Pixels scrolled
0Clicks made
0.00Calories burned

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